Disclaimer: This is not what you think. 

This time of the year is so amazing and awesome and I'm so proud of everyone.

However this time of year is so difficult for me and so hard to handle. I've been in homeschool for about three years now and I've been trying to graduate early for about two years and as you might know or not lol it hasn't quite worked out. And please don't judge (but you can if you want too) I started when I was 15 and now I'm 18 and over the past 3 years I've been confused and trying to grow up and depressed and afraid to grow up and really really really lazy and haven't been motivated to do anything. I lost who I was, my passion for the things I once loved and dreamed of, and now I'm an "adult" but I don't know how to be and am scared to be. It's so bad that every time my mom tells people about it. They always ask why and tell me I need to grow out of it. Yeah I know but how? I've tried telling my parents about how I feel like "I feel like a failure" "I lost hope in myself" or "There something wrong with me and I have no idea, what it is or why I feel like this", but my dad just says "You shouldn't feel like that and that it's bullsh*t" even said that because I'm black I had no business feeling like that. And my mom just asked me why and tell me she didn't know what to do or why I feel that way I feel and once I brought it up again and she said "I don't want to hear this" when I told her that over time I've given up on life and didn't think I would live pass 18 until God sent a blessing into my life, Brandon ( my best friend and love of my life) that helped me get through to that. But anyway, how does this tie into graduation you ask? Well I'm about to tell you lol. I made an agreement that if I finish school, he would fund half of my trip to NY and he did. But I planned on finishing by Jan, because I still wanted to finish before time. But that did not happen. I still have one more subject left to finish and it seems like it's gonna be so hard. It feel like I'm so close yet so far. I see all my peers growing up and planning their future and moving on. And for a long time I've always felt that way. Like everyone was moving on, but I was just stuck or trapped in the same place. ALWAYS, It's so hard to see everyone moving on and graduating and pretending to smile and be happy when I just keep bringing myself down. I feel like everything I try to do and accomplish never works out and I hate myself and blame myself for everything that's happened in my life. I'm so down and I pray to God and I hope and have faith and I believe that everything will work itself out. Right now it's just so hard. I cry so much and I try not to feel so bad because there are people with way harder problems in life and most people will think I deserve what I got for being lazy and that's okay because I do. I just feel so trapped and I need to finish and have been saying this for years but still lack in something to push me there and I try to find it and have a new start before this breaks the last bit of me. So Congrats to everyone this season and I truly am so happy and proud of you, For real this time lol. I hope I could feel like that about myself one day and make my parents proud because I know I don't. I know I'm a disappointment and when I'm finish I don't want anyone to know because I'm so ashamed and this is getting sad and I don't wanna cry anymore but I'll keep that hope and I know God will help me make it through. He hasn't failed me yet lol So, the moral of this sad tale is: Keep the Faith, Pray, or believe In yourself and love yourself enough to care, dream and be proud of who you are no matter what. Jesus will get us all through. No matter what don't be like this 18 year old lol This may never be seen or read and people may not even care, that's okay too. I'm used to it lol. All fingers crossed 🤞🙏