*LONG POST*

I've been replaying in my head that first day over and over again. Wondering if there's something I could've done differently in that first 10 minutes. I've 

been really fogged up for a while. I don't know if it's the medicine or shock to be honest but I've been putting everything back together day by day the best I can remember them and I think I'm ready to share the horrible events from that morning.

To start, at 20 weeks at my high risk doctor in Savannah we found their cord problems. Ronins was a 2 vessel cord which could lead to low birth weight. Raiden's was his Valementous cord insertion (cord connecting to the membrane of the placenta instead of middle)  and Vasa previa (cord crossing over cervix) which could lead to the cord breaking if I were to dilate. (My vasa previa did move out of the way and was no longer a proble a couple weeks later.) My next appointment at my regular OBGYN I spoke with my doctor that drew us a diagram that showed us if my water were to break that Raiden's cord could snap and he could bleed out due to his Valementous cord insertion. He was very very sure that I needed a c section scheduled and that he knew what he was talking about. When I went back to Savannah I asked over and over again to SEVERAL different doctors if this was a concern. I tried to convince them that this was a concern. I tried everything I could and they still insisted that this wouldn't be a problem. But with their cord problems and Raiden being IUGR we were going to schedule a c sections at 36 weeks. 

Fast forward to June 7th 5:30ish in the morning 34 weeks 2 day. It was a normal morning. I had already woken up a couple times that night to go to the bathroom. After that last time of waking up I laid down and felt a sharp pain like menstrual pain that lasted about ten seconds and I breathed through it and it disappeared. About 5 seconds later I feel like I'm peeing myself. But I know that my water broke and I should just stay calm and go to the bathroom and check. I get to the bathroom and sit there about ten seconds then I wipe. I realize that it wasn't water I was losing, it was blood. I sat there for a minute or two, too afraid to stand up because there was so much. Everything ran through my mind. Where is the paper with the number on it for the hospital? Which hospital do I go to? Will I make it 45 minutes to the hospital I'm supposed to deliver at? Should I go to the one 5 minutes away and chance being separated from them if they should be born? Should I yell for Billy? Will he hear me? Will it only make him panic? Should I stay calm? I had no pads downstairs. I got up told Billy my water broke and that there was a lot of blood. We both stayed calm. I went upstairs and got a pad and showed Billy all the blood I lost upstairs. We both agreed we needed to go now. I went down stairs and called the doctor and asked where I go. They said the closest place I can get to. I go into the kitchen and change my pants. Billy's brushing his teeth and changing his shirt. I think we were both in shock trying to be calm. We get into the car and get to the hospital and Billy let's me out so he can go park. I walk into the hospital to the elevator and get in and push for the 4th floor. All of this time I can feel myself bleeding so much. I get up there and push the button to get into labor and delivery. They let me in and I walk to the desk and tell them my name and tell them I'm bleeding a lot. Everything from there was so fast. I turn to my right and see Billy standing at the door to get in I try to walk over to the door to let him in and all the nurses are pulling me into the triage room telling me to get on the bed and take off my pants. When I do there's so much blood and I really start freaking out. Immediately there's a lady to my side putting an IV in my hand, she blows the vein and tries my arm. There's blood running down my hand. There's a lady looking for their heart beats. They found Ronins but couldn't finds Raiden's and I kept trying to tell them that it's lower in my pelvis. She wasn't listening to me. The doctor went to check my dilation and a huge gush of what I thought at the time was Ronins water came out onto the floor. There was so much I heard a huge splash. Billy later told me that he walked by the room and there was blood all over the floor. The doctor says "There's too much blood." Then she grabbed the ultrasound machine beside her and started looking for Raiden's heartbeat. She stood up and said, "we need to go now baby A's heart beat is really low we need to do a c section now." Then everyone started running around. At this point I started feeling light headed. Everyone ran out of the room but one nurse who started wheeling me down the hall. I asked her if Billy could come. She said there was no time. I asked her if I would be awake. She said again that there was no time. I asked her if We were going to die. She told me they were going to take care of me. She got me on the table. The lights were bright and the room was cold. She took off my necklace. I started asking her if we were going to die again and she said that they wouldn't let us. I asked her to hold my hand and she said she had to get me ready. She apologized. I could tell she was scared. I looked up and the anesthesiologist was standing there. I asked him to hold my hand. He said he was sorry but he couldn't because he had to get everything ready. I lifted my head up and the whole team was running around doing things to get ready. I felt more gushes of blood come out. I started crying even harder and praying and begging someone to hold my hand.  That's when a short Hispanic nurse came over and took my hand in her one hand and started rubbing my head with the other. She got real close to me and looked me in my eyes and told me over and over again that they wouldn't let us die. I remember she had the most calming sweetest voice ever. In the middle of this I feel them pour something onto my belly and then I hear the doctor say to the anesthesiologist "I'm ready to cut as soon as you're ready." Then I start to panic and just close my eyes and listen to the nurse holding my hand. I just remember asking them to please not let us die.