This is just a rant to clear my head and get some things off my chest so I can go to sleep. Just feeling really upset. You don't have to comment but feel free to. It might help me feel better.

I...I just don't know if I can do this. The emotional pain I feel every second of everyday eats away at me so bad. I cant help feeling like the ugliest, most unattractive, most pitiful woman on earth. The man that is suppose to be my friend, my lover, my support, my husband makes me feel this way. I dont understand why I deserved to get cheated on. We probably didnt have the most perfect relationship but Lord knows I could never do that to him. I wouldnt wish this pain on him nor my worst enemy. I try to pretend I'm happy, I try to pretend I can just forget about the infidelity but I can't do this much longer. He put me through so much throughout my pregnancy, whether he knew it or not. The only reason I never acted upon the suspicions i found is because I didnt want the further stress it wouldve caused me to risk me having a miscarriage. So yeah he definitely thought he was having his cake and eating it too. I havent even expressed my concerns about it yet simply because he is only going to lie about it. I would feel a little better if he own up to it and admit he was wrong but he's not because he is a coward. He's going to say I'm overreacting and thinking too much. He's gonna say he would never cheat on me. He's gonna make a bullshit excuse about the condoms I constantly found in his pockets and dresser drawers. We haven't used condoms in years. That right there is a big sign that he using them on someone. Literally this man responds to Craigslist postings offering to eat these random females out. Like seriously?? You hate me so much and find me so repulsive that you would rather risk getting AIDS or HIV than pleasing your own wife?! I just dont understand what i did wrong! I cooked, I cleaned, I gave him sex whenever he wanted it. Thats the crazy part. He decided to stop having sex with me, not the other way around. Yet I get cheated on. It's the worst feeling in the world and so very painful. Even though it's been over a year that we havent had sex and though i do miss it, i just dont miss it with him. Knowing what I know he has done makes my skin crawl!! At this point if he tried to have sex I would refuse it every time. I can barely stand it when he touch me because, again, my skin crawls thinking about the other females he's been with. I'm just so very angry and hurt at the same time and i feel so betrayed. We have a beautiful child together and that child is the ONLY reason i havent left. Trying to do whats best for my son to ensure he has a decent life but I cant be the best mom I can be feeling the way I do everyday. I literally cry myself to sleep every night because I'm just so unhappy with how my life and marriage has turned out. I cant continue on like this, something's gotta give. If that means taking my child and leaving than so be it.