So a brief catch up is this is my third pregnancy, I miscarried at 12weeks back April 2015, I never got to see my babies heartbeat it was just too late by the time I finally got somewhere, i was so ill during my miscarraige i was hospitalized for 3 days with extremely low blood pressure, no food and set up for a blood transplant. 2 years later back March 2017 I had a chemical pregnancy at 3weeks 5days, and this just broke my heart and made me feel like a broken useless woman.

When I found out i was pregnant again scared was barely the word, I pushed through knowing that if I stayed frightened I would regret not loving all the pregnancy moments I would be experiencing, and God forbid I lost again I would have hated not loving those little precious moments I did have as a mummy no matter how small, how painful, how few and how meaningless they are to some women, my head being in the toilet means the world to me, it tells me my baby is trying to grow, my baby is trying to breath.

At my original 6 week mark I went to my doctor with some sharp pains in my right side, shoulder and back, after testing and examination I was taken to the hospital for an early scan to be told whether the pregnancy was Ectopic or not, this alone was frightening, and unfortunately I knew with my history and being early, even a uterine pregnancy result did not mean my baby was okay. Sure enough I went in and the lovely woman turn the screen to me and showed me a big gestational sac and I cried because although there was no baby and no heartbeat, there was hope.

Within the last 10 days I've still been in a brief amount of pain and yesterday I started to get some bleeding, I fell to my knees and cried before I was able to compose myself. I called my doctors surgery and THEY TURNED ME AWAY. This was the worst feeling and I am furious. My next instinct was I had to get some help from someone, I needed to know my baby was okay and my body isn't failing me again. I called 111 the UK emergency advice line, after a quick phone consultation they put me through to the hospital walk in centre who sorted an appointment (after calling my doctor surgery and screaming at them in dismay). My partner come home and he drove us up 8pm, we were seen immediately and the doctor here decided despite my history of loss, that this was not pregnancy related - face palm moment - so we had to humour this and we were sent to the SAU (Surgery Assessment Unit), I had blood tests done and a further examination, now 10pm.

We sat there for the next 3 hours, we had both been awake since 5:45am for work, and all we had eaten was a sandwich each at 8am, I was tired, hungry, in pain and nothing, I had a young girl come in an hour after me and she was taken in and only waited an hour and half for her results... I found out after chatting to her mother she has come in for bad period pains... at this I honestly thought I was going to commit murder, I do not understand how a healthy young girl with period pains (I would say she looked rough but this girl was sat on the chair with her feet casually up chilling on her phone laughing....) was emitted before a woman with severe pain, pregnancy loss history and bleeding. By 3am I finally was told I was staying in, at this point I sent my partner home as I felt sorry for the poor guy he'd done so much and I couldn't ask more of him when they were postponing my results until further testing. At 4am I was sent up to the EPU (Early pregnancy Unit).

They had me awake at 6:30am, for more checks, my blood pressure and temperature had risen (I call it stress), then at 7am the Sister come round with the breakfast trolley, and in my notes hooray I could eat!! So I was given a nice piece of toast and water. Really pushing the bucket 😂 spoilt for choice really. Anyways, within half hour I again had a room of 2 doctors, a Sister and 2 nurses. The doctor took my toast from me that I had taken 2 bites from and said No! Ladies, got any stupidly brave men stories of them taking food from a pregnant woman who hasn't eaten in 22.5hours? I was poked and prodded again and then I threw up and the doctor said "that's not a good sign" I replied with "I'm pregnant, you poke my baby, I'm going to be sick" dear me, his decision was to go for another scan.

So I wait, and I wait and my phone is dying, I'm sending snaps to my 2 girls (who are home from uni and are unaware I'm pregnant but are aware of my losses), those 2 beauties kept my faith going, and I'm beyond grateful, they gave me the strength I was no struggling to find. Fear was beginning to creep in.

At 9:30 Sister Tanya come to get me for my scan, she sat me down outside the room and I'm there waiting when this couple come through for there first Scan, the man looked so excited, but she seemed worried, and I began to worry for her, patiently I waited and this woman come out looking scared, she went to the bathroom and come back - she was earlier than estimated - for a moment I forgot about myself and I prayed for this woman, I never want to see the pain of a mother losing her baby, I've heard my brothers girlfriend scream for my nephew when he died at 6 days old, I held my brother as his best friend screamed for her little boy who drowned. I've sat and I still hear my own scream and cries when I lost my baby, they are the most horrifying sounds you will ever hear, and I pray so much that all you lovely pregnant mummies on here NEVER EVER go through that. Then this woman come out and I looked at her, Sister Tanya asked her how it went and this woman just burst into tears of joy, she was having twins! At this moment I held my stomach, and I spoke to my little one and I said "I'm sorry I ignored you, but I felt she needed me too, I hope you're okay" this dreaded wait for me turned into a moment of peace.

I went in and I had my scan, and I waited and waited and she turned the screen to show me, there's a little sack, there's the yolk, and there was my babies little heartbeat fluttering on the screen, I cried so much I couldn't believe it. I have now been officially pushed back from my February 18th due day to March 1st 2018 measuring 6weeks and 2 days. I'm going in for a third scan in 2 weeks to check improvements and then it will be my official 12 week scan as my 4th, hopefully after that I can sit comfortably and wait out my last scan to find out if my little one is a boy or a girl!

I'm sorry this is long, and thank you to all you lovely people who read this, hopefully you find some faith in those dark times too, because your not alone, there are many women who have suffered, and let's face it, while pregnant we aren't alone anyways, we have a baby growing inside us. I want to use the names Hope or Faith in some way if my baby is a girl, I just think it's fitting.

Good luck, and love, and here's to Happy and Healthy pregnancies all round! This is just the beginning still but I've got more faith in my baby now than before ❤