I hope this is okay here. I wanted lots of people to see it.

When I found out I was pregnant I knew the baby wouldn't stay. I hoped still.

I had an ultrasound yesterday at 11+4 weeks. My baby seemed to have stop growing at 7 or 8 weeks. My body refused to accept the miscarriage for those 3-4 weeks and my body was already showing signs of infection. I opted for a dnc that I went through this morning.

Last night in the shower I prayed and cried in the shower. I'd always believed I had no one waiting for me in heaven. I grew up in foster care and have been alone for my first 17 years. Last year I found my bio father only to learn that his mom passed a few years prior and I was so much like her. She always wanted a daughter but never had one. She never even knew she had a grand daughter. So I prayed and asked that she tell me in my dreams what the baby was so I could name it. I at least have my grandmother and baby waiting now in heaven for me.

I slept for only four hours. The kind of sleep where you're not really asleep. Where you hear everything and feel everything around you. But despite that, I dreamed.

In my dreams, two hands together and opened to me presenting large fist sized diamonds. They were so real. But I woke crying and saying they're not worth the life I lost. They aren't worth my baby.

I share this because each and every child alive and in heavens arms are worth more than handfuls of priceless diamonds. I believe in God and I believe the diamonds were offered in way of acknowledgement that to man, diamonds are priceless but to him, each of our souls are priceless.

I understood early on that my baby couldn't stay with me. Even before it was confirmed. Understanding still doesn't take away the pain of who my baby would have been and all the what if's.