I do love you. But I hate you.

I tried for so long to not love you. But I can't. I even added you on facebook last month.

But thay doesn't mean I have forgotten all the things you have done. I haven't forgotten that you haven't apologized for any of it, either.

I hate that you gave me to your mother when I was 2.

I hate that you lived on the other side of the state. I hate that I lived in hiding from my father after he tried to kidnap me because you didn't get a restraining order. Those things I forgave. But I remember.

I hate that you gave my brother to your mom, too. At the time I hated that you had him in the first place. Why have a child you don't want?

But I do understand now. I'm not 4, anymore.

I hated that you took us back when I was 8. I hated your boyfriend and that even though you moved to our town, you were always gone.

I hated that you never came home and stopped him. You never saved me from what he was doing. I hated that he acted so nice around you. He acted so nice even while he destroyed me.

I hated that by the time you got bored with him, it was 2 years too late to save me.

I hated that even when we moved away while he was gone that day, you had a new boyfriend at our new place.

Already waiting for us to move in.

I hated him, too. And I told you I hated him. But you ignored me. It was just rebellion, right?

Even when I was 14 and he decided I was his birthday present while I was asleep. Exhausted from watching YOUR children all day. Cooking food I didn't get to eat. Cleaning your house. Keeping straight As in school so maybe you would be proud. And then so that at least I could be proud.

I hated lying to you. Saying we were just stopping for food when my friend called the police on him.

I hated your stupid face when you showed up at my school, even though I was in a foster home. You tried to tell me to drop the charges on him. You still loved him.

You told me no one would believe me about the first boyfriend if I said it about the second, too. But I only reported the 1st after being asked if this had ever happened to me before. After I left your house.

That was when I knew I should hate you. You knew what he was doing. You never came home while he was abusing me because you knew what he was doing. You sold me to him.

The second one proposed to me, you know. He had a child with you, but even after 4 years, he didn't propose to you. But he wanted me to marry him when I turned 18. All I did was cry. I cried and I told him I didn't want him. And I never thought I would be able to hear those words again.

I had to propose to my fiance so that he wouldn't say those words to me. We had to talk about how a proposal would go. I was robbed of a spontaneous proposal every other girl gets to have. That he wanted to give me. Because I told him before we got together not to propose. I had to tell the man I love not to ask me to marry him.

I hated reading what you said about me in court. You said I was making it up. Even HOPING it would happen. And I'm sure my long sleeved high collar shirt and loose jeans were just too sexy. I was asking for it, right? In my sleep?

You blamed me for my siblings being taken from you. They were gone 4 months. And you told me I was insane and asking for attention. Like I was punishing you, somehow.

But I loved you. I just knew I couldn't tell you.

You tried to have me put in a mental hospital when I came back. But even after dragging one of them into the hall to tell them how crazy I was... Even after I tried acting as crazy as I could think of, they wouldn't take me from you.

When I moved out at 16, I know what you said to my friend's mom. "Come get her. I can't deal with her, anymore." I know you told her I would seduce her husband. I heard you.

I loved that I graduated high school, when you and my dad didn't. Even though I was in the hospital for a month, I got a tutor to bring me the work so I could graduate. I even finished early.

When I had my daughter, you told me that, because I was crazy, I was going to dump her in a dumpster and think she was with a friend until she died.

She's 6, now. And you have only met her once. I would never leave her alone with you.

I love you. I hate you. And I know that when most people say that their mom hugely impacted their life, they mean that their mom was a light in a dark place. A strong, nurturing warmth.

But you are a pit of anguish that smells more like rum than a human being.