I'm at a loss for what to do.

I've suffered with mental health issues for a very long time. Nearly my entire life. I have good days, I have bad days and then there are days like I've had recently where the thought of even having a shower feels like too much for me. I'm scared because I can't see my future anymore. I talk about these big plans that are going to happen but the truth is I have no direction and no motivation to get there. I don't see myself there. I have a passion for those things I want, but I just don't know how to get there. My mental health is blocking me from being able to do anything. I understand I am in control and I have gotten through this in the past but something always brings me back here to this place. It's not a choice or something I want and it's definitely not for attention. I don't talk about this a whole lot with the people I love because I'm scared everyone will think I'm trying to get attention. There is that stigma with mental health that anyone who claims To have depression or any other mental illness is just attention seeking. Which isn't true. Sometimes I call in to work because I don't feel okay enough to go in. I feel sick to the stomach and anxious and emotional and not going in makes me better. I hate my job with a passion, people there are cruel and immature. ( I work in retail and management picks on people and it's really not right at all) but it's a place where I get money so I stay, I've been there for three years. I called in Monday and now I'm scared of getting fired. I had a warning about a month ago and I'm scared to go in and face my job. I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. I make stupid rash decisions in the heat of the moment because I can't handle my depression and anxiety and then I'm left suffering the consequences. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. I know. My mental health gets so bad i was taken off on medical leave for seven months 2 years ago. I'm at that point again but need the money so I refuse to do that again. I need a new job , a fresh start with management that is mature and where I'm not scared to be ridiculed and picked on all day. And a fresh start where I can make a change in myself and become more reliable and learn how to deal with my mental health. A place where I'm not afraid of being fired. I want to leave this job because being picked on plays a huge role in my mental health. I'm lost. I know I need to see a doctor and I'm going to asap. Probably next week. I'm just tired of this struggle and I'm at a loss for what to do.