My Angel Baby

July 14th, 2017

To my sweet baby,

May 1st, 2017 was the first day I found out you existed. That pink line showed up instantly on the pregnancy test. I had always wondered what that moment would feel like. I was shaking & nervous but yet excited. I was scared to tell your Dad because I knew he was not ready for you at this time in his life. When I told your Dad he was speechless & I think in shock. It took some time for him to come around to the thought of having you but he got there. He started talking about you & would ask me how I was feeling. I could not complain. You gave me an easy pregnancy. Only a few rough days but I always said things could be worse. You gave me this feeling of love I never knew existed, as cliché as that sounds but it's so true. One of the happiest days of my life was the day of our first ultrasound. I saw you for the first time, your heart was fluttering and your body wiggled around. It was such a happy and all too quick moment. That was the day our lives had also changed and that was the day all the worrying began. They noted that you had a herniation from your abdomen which contained your intestines, although we were still early and it could've been normal for that point in development. Just 5 days later we were sent to the hospital to the perinatal department to have another ultrasound & have this checked further. They also saw the herniation but noted part of your liver was in the sac as well. They said it was still normal to see at this time and scheduled for us to return 2 weeks later and by that time in development it should be resolved. When that next ultrasound came around your Dad came and saw you for the first time. I think that made it seem even more real to him. You were wiggling all around and had your hand near your face. Unfortunately, they still saw the herniation and not only the intestines and liver was present but your entire stomach was in the sac as well. They told us it was called an omphalocele and that it could be connected to severe birth defects or syndromes. We were sent right over to meet with a genetics counselor & discuss what could be happening and our options. We chose to have a CVS test performed and see what specifically was going on. You and I made it through the test, twice. That started the long and dreadful two week waiting game. It was a sad and stressful time. We looked up and read about all these different defects and syndromes which was a scary reality to what could've been in store for our future and immediately I started grieving this perfect baby I was envisioning. On July 7th, 2017 we got the results of the CVS test, which came back normal. There were no chromosomal defects as of yet but they wanted further testing to be performed. It was such a relief! It felt like we had a chance again at a good future together and that all we were looking at was surgery to repair your omphalocele. We got a second call that day asking if we wanted to know your gender & we certainly did. The phone was on speaker phone when the woman said “It looks like you're having a girl.” The look on your Dad's face was priceless & the smile on my face couldn't have gotten any bigger! We scheduled our next ultrasound in another 2 weeks from then & our days continued but with more hope and happiness until a few short days later. I had continued to have off and on light spotting since the CVS test was performed and was told that it was normal for that to occur. Since I was in my second trimester now I was reading about round ligament pain and how sudden sharp pains could occur and that it was most likely from the stretching and growth of my rounding belly. The night of July 10th I continued to wake every hour from sleeping with dull cramps. I woke up on the 11th and prepared myself to work a 16 hour double shift despite being so tired from not sleeping well and despite continuing to have dull cramps with an occasional sharper stronger cramp/pain. I was at work for only a couple of hours when I went to the bathroom and had a lot of pink and bloody mucus on the toilet paper. I left work and called the doctors office. I had an appointment to be seen within an hour. I went home and told your Dad to get dressed because I thought I was having a miscarriage & just had a bad feeling about everything. I got in the shower and when I was drying off I had this gush of liquid run down my legs and splash onto the floor. I told your Dad I thought my water broke. Immediately following the gush of liquid was a lot of dark red blood that started pouring down my legs. I had to hold the towel I was using to dry off between my legs and just lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably as I knew what was happening. Your Dad was scared and started panicking saying he was calling an ambulance. I told him no that we just needed to get to the hospital. I called my doctors office to tell them I wouldn't be making it to the appointment and that I was going right to the hospital instead. They called the hospital and told them I was coming. Upon getting there I had a hand towel rolled up inside of my sweatpants catching everything that was coming out. We had to still go through a check in and registration process, where the woman was giving me a hard time about my insurance. I wanted to break down and cry because I couldn't believe this was happening and then this women was making things even worse and giving me an attitude with her comments and then taking her time when she could see I was uncomfortable. She told us to sit in the waiting room until we were called. There were other patients there waiting and I did not want to sit because I was afraid that blood would get everywhere. I was scared, nervous, sad and embarrassed to be around all of these other people some of them including other pregnant women. I watched as a family left the hospital with their new baby. I was keeping myself held together and wasn't allowing myself to cry. What seemed like forever went by and we were finally called into an exam room. Our nurse named Lisa came in and she was phenomenal. She was so calming and understanding. I was mortified because I was covered in blood and blood was getting on the floor. She removed the towel I had between my legs and it was covered in blood. It continued to come out and I had no control. I had never felt so helpless and vulnerable in my life. A resident came in and introduced herself as Dr. Bachilova and stated what exam she needed to perform. She left and came back in with my OB doctor, Dr. Kates, from my doctors office. It was a relief to see a familiar face. As they performed an internal exam the worst thought was confirmed. What I feared but knew to be true, I was having a miscarriage and passing “tissue”.

You were supposed to enter this world on January 6th, 2018 & instead you decided to come on July 11th, 2017 at just 14 weeks and 4 days old. You were just a mere 3-4 inches long. Your body was so tiny and fragile, your little lips and mouth wide open, your little nose was perfect, your hands laid gently on your chest, you could see your intestines hanging from your abdomen from where your omphalocele was, you had long long legs for your tiny body, certainly not from me, you got those from your Dad. You were perfect to me. I regret not holding you or kissing you, or not taking your picture. Instead I let you lay on the soft cotton pad, just overwhelming you in white. I am so sorry for that. I long to hold you even if it was just for a second and now I will never have that chance. My heart is so broken without you, but I'm sure you know that. I'm sorry that my body failed you and couldn't give you what you needed to thrive and enter this world. Every day with you was a blessing, even through all the stress and worry, all the testing and waiting periods, I had you within me, enduring it all. I'm sorry for ever thinking I didn't want you if there was going to be serious problems. The truth is I prayed for God to help us & to decide our fate together because I wasn't strong enough to make that choice if any of the test results showed any serious defects or conditions. I didn't want either of us to have to travel down that road. I wanted to see you as the little girl I had pictured in my head & not to see this innocent baby suffering. Now I would do anything to have you back inside me and to continue each day as if nothing happened. Now I'm left with memories of our short time together and the thoughts of what our future would've been like. What you would've looked like, sounded like, how you would have grown, if your teeth would have a space between them, how curly your hair would've been, what your eyes would look like, the sound of your laugh or the curve of your smile, what type of personality you would have, the color of your skin tone, so many thoughts and endless wonders. I'm glad you will not have to suffer through surgery/surgeries to fix your omphalocele or God only knows any complications that could've come from it. I'm glad you did not have to feel any pain, tubes down your throat, pokes from IV’s, or anything else you would've had to endure immediately entering this world. It's comforting to know that you only felt warmth and love from inside me. You will be missed beyond the description of words. You were already loved and cherished by so many. The days ahead won't be easy knowing they'll be without you. I know we will see you again one day. Until then me and your Daddy will love you for the rest of our lives and think about you every day. You will never be forgotten, that I can promise. We can't wait to see you again one day, Maevis Lee McSween. Forever and always, even in heaven, our baby you'll be.

Love your Mom