I'm emotionally broken to the point that I feel physical pain. I don't know how many times I can keep allowing myself to open up to someone who clearly doesn't want to be a man about the situation.

He calls once a month if that and it's like a repetitive conversation. I finally just told him to move on to the next thing I went OFF I was so angry. He called me a bad mom (I have two other children) said I was nothing and would never amount to anything called me a basic black baby mama all this stuff and I just went off. I work a full time job as a CMA, I'm in school for pre- nursing, I'm looking for a second job so I can move me and my daughters out a little after I have the baby (I currently stay with my parents who aren't supportive at all). He couldn't say anything... this 'man' has beaten me, forced me to have sex with him on so many drunk occasions, shot at me and barely missed me, verbally and mentally shattered me, manipulated me, used me and some stupid parts of me wants him.

I got pregnant after we hadn't talked in months (which is long for us after 15 years of knowing each other) and like an idiot I feel for it again when he asked me about the baby for the first time since finding out I was pregnant after I went off on him. It threw me off. I went over there and he actually touched my stomach and kissed my belly... then the next day after I ask him will he come to the US appointment he was like he doesn't think it's his he wants a test to be sure (which I'm completely fine with and have even offered the prenatal one) but I did not expect the broken feeling that I have now. It's an overwhelming emptiness that literally crushed me to my core. I've been through hurt and he's physically damaged me but I swear that blow hurt more than his first ever did. I've tried praying my way through it. I've tried working my way through it but to no end.

I keep expecting him to be the friend I grew up knowing. It's like I'm holding out for him to show up and this past few years after he got out the Navy were a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

Every time I feel my son kick inside me I love him more and more and I want to give him the Father who God chose for him. I want to know the purpose God has on his life because it has to worth the pain I feel now. It's so hard to be pregnant alone. It's so hard knowing I have to be a single mom to a son who deserves so much more than that. I feel alone. My family doesn't even ask about the baby. My ex husband is such a prideful jerk to try and coparent our girls with and I just feel like my world is falling apart. I don't want to feel this sadness anymore. I wasn't to be happy and be proud of what I'm accomplishing and my son is growing strong and healthy but I'm so terrified that I'm not doing enough.

Baby dad

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