(Kinda long)

So I've had LOTS of surgerys in my short 17 years of life because I have spinabifida and severe scoliosis. Well because of my problems I can't feel below my knees yet I can walk, drive, and take care of my 4 month old daughter. But I've just been told I have to get my right foot amputated I've never had surgery at the hospital I'm going to and I've heard many stories about people dying after getting amputations here including my uncle and a "regular" at my moms restaurant who went to get his foot removed and sadly passed away during surgery. I've never had anxiety about surgeries ever but this whole thing is really taking a toll on me. I'll randomly start crying while holding my daughter scared to death that I might die during surgery or something. I take hour showers just to cry without my boyfriend seeing. It's not only the anxiety that's making me cry. I walk funny cuz my legs are about 5-6 inches off so one legs longer than the other, I have a giant nasty scar running all the way down my back from all my surgeries so I'm very self conscious. I honestly hate my body but now with getting my foot amputated on Wednesday I don't think I'll be able to leave my house, or that I'll be so useless not being able to take care of my daughter without help. people are canceling plans my boyfriends taking days off of work. We're even trying to find a new place to rent so that I'll be able to use a wheelchair. I just wish that my family and everyone didn't have to deal with me anymore. And I'm pretty sure my boyfriend and daughter would be better off with someone able bodied and wasn't in and out of hospitals all the time.

Sorry I just had to let it all out!