My husband and i have been trying to have our second child together since our miscarriage last September. We have been unsuccessful and it's been an exhausting 9 months.. we started off going back and fourth about having another as we already have two. His daughter and our daughter. We mainly just wanted another because we want a boy Sk bad.

So I finally met with a doctor and he prescribed me clomid for my next cycle.

When I got home I could tell my husband was nervous and uneasy. He wasn't as excited as I thought.

So we talked and he doesn't really mind having another but wouldn't be upset if we didn't have another child.

I recently lost my insurence and I just feel like one thing after another is happening. I feel like their signs from god saying we're just not ready for another right now or ever.

I feel selfish for wanting another and I hate to take away from our girls, just because I want another baby.

Financially we wouldn't be able to do as much as we do now. We would have to make the girls share a room. And I wouldn't get the proper maternity leave because I dun a daycare in my home. I can't afford to take 6 weeks off and potentially lose my daycare..

I was so excited about getting clomid today and finally feeling like we will become pregnant soon.

I'm heartbroken and deveatated, but right now I know is not the right time. My heart hurts so bad tonight. I'm a complete mess.. I wanted another baby so bad.

I love being a mother and I wish I was satisfied with the two we have now, but his daughter isn't mine and I still feel that itch for another one of my own.

Everything about my last pregnancy was amazing and I want to relive it one more time..

From here on, I'm canceling my blood tests and getting on birth control. Throwing away my clomid.

My heart is broken :(