Please take your time and read this I need your opinion on This whole thing Ik it can be too much but I just need to talk about it.

So once I got really drunk (more drunk than usually) and I liked this guy( let's call him B.)and we were supposed to meet up at one of the parties but he was stuck at his friends apartment where they've been drinking too. So I've been calling him and throughout the time me and my two girl friends and some guy were getting to that apartment I started loosing memory of what was happening bc I drank way too much. So we are in this apartment right and I remember my friend hooking up with that guy and then blank. The next thing I remember was talking to my friend L. bc I was just trying to be friendly with everyone especially B.'s best friend so he can talk him into getting a me or something idk. So then blank. Then I remember my girlfriends leaving me at that apartment bc I wanted to get with B. and they said they couldn't drag me home with them(?? Like u don't leave ur friend alone at an apt with 3 guys to sleepover). Then blank. Then I everyone was gone and we were trying to figure out who'd sleep where and I kept telling them all "b. let's go in that room😉😉HINT FUCKING OPEN HINT) and then blank. I wake up on my back (idk if I was passed out or awake) and L. Inside me. Sooooooo yeah I don't recall giving consent so I pushed him away freaked out started crying and saying I was a Virgin and wtf are u doing. And he was all like "oh I respect u I didn't know I'm sorry" he starts. Spooning with me freaking naked and I pushed him off again and we were just laying there( I guess I was too fuckin dumb drunk to leave the room??dumbassbitch) and then he goes "can u at least finishme off?" (Bruh wat) ofc my drunk ahh tried sucking him off but then I realized wtf I was doing and what he just did to me and I was like fuck no you're staying with blue balls today! So I wake up the next morning and it's kinda awkward and we look at each other and i told him "this stays between us" and he pop kissed me and we went to have breakfast with everyone and then he drove me home but we never discussed it in any way especially rape.

A few weeks later my best friend got a text from this guy J. Who was never at the party or anywhere close to the situation asking if I had sex w L. I told her to deny everything and I went to L. To talk about it and told him Its gonna turn out bad for him mostly if people find out. But apparently I found out months later, it was B. The guy I liked who was upset about that whole thing and was telling people about me and L. bc all he saw was me going in the room with L. And not leaving till the morning.

Throughout like half a year it's been on and off my mind but mostly it would seem more as rape than just a drunken sex. (Also that fucking 13 reasons show pushed on my pitons there)

Last day of school I had a final exam for English to write a poem about something meaningful to me and I just wanted to raise awareness and low key tell about my experience but somehow I made it really extra and I cried throughout my presentation (I'll put the poem below) and I know guys, I'm dumb for doing this and I've regretted it the second I got called into the school police office and they asked me to give information about who he was bc in the poem I made it clear it was rape:/ I gave them the info and that's how my mom found out about this.. it was really bad and my mom would only say that it was my fault that I drank and provoked him and stuff that it was just drunken sex and it just sucks that it was my virginity:/ so I didn't go forward w it and everyone in school still wonders who raped me🙃so I fuck myself over and over again and idk I start believing it wasn't rape at all.

Here's the poem for some who are interested lol

-4 letters

Everything is black.

Reality hits me as I wake up from a

Raven sleep I weren't meant to go into

In Reprehensible hands i wasn't supposed to fall into

Look around. Evaluate the situation.

There is no going back.

The damage has been done.

But as if nothing happened I lived for months

Totally ignoring the fact.

Totally not saying a word about it to anybody.

Totally not saying THE WORD.

Totally trying to convince myself

That it TOTALLY was not

Letter R

Letter A

Letter P

Letter E

C'ommon say it, RAPE

Everything is black.

Reality hits me as I wake up from a

Raven sleep I weren't meant to go into

In Reprehensible hands i wasn't supposed to fall into.

Trying to get how it happened

And what has gotten through his mind

Blaming yourself for having way too many drinks that night,

Making me think It wasn't rape because I gave him signs.

Blaming yourself for giving the wrong signs,

Making me think he woulda realized that I was way too intoxicated

Blaming your soul for leaving your body during the most important moments of that night.

Blaming your friends for leaving you alone in THE apartment.

Making me think I'm gonna be fine. alone.

I'm Blaming the poison. The poison the children are not supposed to drink.

This is one of the better examples

that children should not be drinking under the age of 21

Better than the damaging not fully developed brain, which never stops anymore, any one.

Everything is black.

Reality hits me as I wake up from a

Raven sleep I weren't meant to go into

In Reprehensible hands i wasn't supposed to fall into.

I'm telling you to stop as we both realize what is happening

Or you knew all the way from the start

Or you didn't because my body was separate from my mind.

There never will be an answer to this question.

Just say Stop. When she tells you to stop, you STOP.

Losing my virginity in this situation

didn't exactly Make me feel like I have butterflies in my stomach

But I got a great cold feel of knifes being stabbed in my heart AND vagina

Oh I'm sorry, am I too open about this?

Am I making you feel awkward?

Are you scared to talk about RAPE?

Ohhh you can PROBABLY deal with it

If I and many other victims could deal

When any kind of human touch

Made us feel awkward and scared for weeks

And when a tv show is raising awareness about suicide

Everybody sees it as a "omg not another suicidal film, she's over emotional"

One of the main reasons Hannah baker killed herself was Bryce, who as you all know raped her.

My Bryce is now going to college,

I'm going to let him live his life

until my favorite Karma hits him hard.

The hardest decision was made by me.

And it will stay that way.

Ruin his life by getting the revenge he deserves or not?

The thing is that I still believe that

Power has been taken over me

And it has never been spoken of ever since.

But I also believe that there's a better way of punishing someone for such a sin.

Becoming stronger yourself.

Learning from a lesson. Another life lesson.

Feeling as i can trust NO one after ONE night

And not feeling like picking another FIGHT

With my "best friend" who let the situation

Take all my feelings out of sight

I am becoming weak every time I see you

I thought I was brave and strong

Until I see you I see you I see you

I saw you everyday in the hallways of the place that made me feel trapped in a cage.

And you were my tarantula that I was so afraid of.

Fear factor has worked, I'm not afraid of you anymore.

Four. Letters. One action. The consequences.

Has made a girl stronger.

Everything is black.

Reality hits me as I wake up from a

Raven sleep I weren't meant to go into

In Reprehensible hands i wasn't supposed to fall into.

You know, sometimes I wish to go back to some moments that happened in my life, just to feel it twice.

Well, I never wish one living soul to feel that moment even once.