when i had a chance to build my own life and career, i wasted it. wanted to do so much. moved to a new big city alone right after graduation. cultural shock. started smoking like a chimney, alcohol, drugs, overeating, men, women, lies... mom and dad supported me in every possible way. and i repaid them with what? my failures. came back home after 5 years of living like a loser and changed everything. bacame sober. clean. got in shape. got a great job working as a singer, composer, lyricist and voice artist at a big and famous radio station. people wanted me. for the first time i felt important. people wanted me to make and sing jingles for their products. it was the best i could think of. loved every second of it. but still, there was always this feeling that i couldn't make my parents proud. my father's biggest fear was that there is no financial security for me. working on contract basis and as a freelancer has no job security. so i did what he did, like a good daddy's girl. left everything and went for further studies in the field of mental and emotional health and wellness. all i wanted was for him to feel proud of me. approve of me and my work. started practicing as a full-time counsellor. listening to and solving people's problems. healing their issues. giving meaning to their lives. helping them achieve their goals. i was taking more than 20 consultations per week. until one day i got married. ever heard of "happily married"? yeah... that's an oxymoron! faced torture and abuse for 5 months before finally calling it off (because welcome to India! getting married is easy and fun... getting out of it would put you in category 'bitch' for not adjusting and compromising). through all this i was still taking sessions. making people happy. filling them with self respect, courage, confidence, love, purpose, blah blah blah. they say practice what you preach. i wasn't doing jack of it! like a robot i kept going on and on and on! but one day i saw a movie that's the story of a poor uneducated woman joining school again to put sense into her daughter so she could study hard and make a good career. it talks about dreams and goals and desires. that was when i realised i have no dream, goal or desire of my own. i HAD. but that's history. i'm now living my parents' dreams and goals and desires. i'm fighting their insecurities. i tried so hard to think and understand what it is that "i" wish to do. what are my goals? i now dread taking sessions. i get disturbed and extremely affected when people discuss their issues with me. i often don't know how to help them, what should i say to make them feel better. at the same time, i now don't know what else to do. i think about getting back to my industry again, but i worry it will make my father angry because i would be giving up. what if he completely loses his faith in me? i'm even scared to tell him this, to share this with him. he already said that a lot of money has been invested in my studies and it makes no sense to leave a perfectly good career where i work on my own terms. but i feel like i am not being honest with my clients. i guide them to be happy, focussed, strong, positive, confident, goal oriented - while i myself can't do it. i have failed yet again... in everything. failed marriage, failed career, failed as a daughter...