I don't want to be judged or dismissed, please be kind.

I want to tell you a story. I am a young twenty-one year old woman and I struggle with anxiety.* I've had a pretty bad bout with it for about two years now.

It first reared its ugly head when I first started college, with the help of the verbally abusive ex, it took me down. I went to three different therapists and none of them worked out. Eventually, I made it to my doctor who put me on Lexapro. I was on that for a little over a year. Then one day I woke up and I felt bogged down by the drug that once helped me function. I quickly made my exit off of it, with the instructions from my doctor stapled to my mind.

This year has been the hardest of my life, because I am graduating college almost a year early. This has caused a lot of stress. When I am affected by stress it obviously triggers my anxiety, which then leads me to not eat. I love food don't get me wrong, but it makes me feel ill when I try to consume it.

This in turn leads to excessive weight loss. I'm a tiny person** and shouldn't be losing any weight. My happy place should be 120-122lbs, not 115.4lbs. This is what I weighed in high school.

The only parts of me that seem to get bigger are my boobalas and calves. I can only explain my calves, as I run two miles three times a week***. The whole boobies thing is making me very salty. I thought we had an agreement not to get bigger and I bought you nice expensive little boobie prisons!

Aside from that I've been having episodes with my body cramping up and me being in unmovable pain. I was still on Lexapro at that point, so being on or off of it doesn't matter. The doctors have ran most of the tests in the ER. CT scan, Urine, blood, ultrasound****, and everything in between. I've had so many gynecologists shove that horrible device into me. I've got an IUD in hopes of getting this pain to stop. Only now I'm bleeding all the time and I'm too poor to buy more pads. The gynecologist tried to put me on birth control and it messed me up. I cried all the time and I stopped bleeding. But I couldn't handle all that face leaking so I quit it and back to free bleeding.*****

Currently, I am in the middle of midterms at my school and this has caused a knot, named Kansas, to arrive on my back. It presses into me, making it difficult to breathe. I woke up crying last night, because I have two very difficult exams on Tuesday. I can't fail these classes or I'll have to push graduation.

If I don't graduate in December, I'll have to keep seeing all the creeps on campus. I can't go through another ten weeks of that torture. I've got approximately fourteen weeks left at this hellscape and I don't think I'll make it in tact by staying another quarter.

Thanks for reading.

(*collective hi Laura)

(** I'm 5'7")

(***at approximately 9.20 minutes per mile)

(****no ovarian cysts)

(***** I'll never wear my sexy underwear again)