My stomach still twists and tumbles when I think about you. It hurts.

You were the closest thing I had to a best friend in a long time, and I finally thought I could trust you.

I see now why you had so many struggles over the years just keeping friends.

I would have never put any of your past against you. Your actions and choices were your prerogative, not mine.

Though when you decided to make me look like dirt, I don't think I could take it.

You told my mother after you introduced me to someone you strictly considered "friend" that I was talking to an older man and having sex with him in secret. We were the same age; I'm a virgin.

This friend apparently meant more to you, though when friend and I met, you encouraged any interaction, even the mildly flirty.

You were in a 4 month committed relationship with a beautiful girl, though even when you told me you truly loved her, you still chased after that friend.

You ended up losing us both. When you did, you posted everywhere anonymously, though very clearly targeting me. You gave me a deadline to "recover" friendship- though you planned to get rid of me on day 1, when you noticed friend and I worked well. You cried and yelled over the phone in anger just hours later.

Though I've kept all of you secret. All your truths- the drugs, the sex, the alcohol. Even when you told my father I was petty and childish and needed to return everything. I did, you didn't.

How you started to quit because you admired me being a "straight edge" girl- your words, not mine.

How you kept a folder of dick pics for some ungodly "comical" reason.

I watched you, after I left, spiral again. I hated it. I felt it was my fault somehow, that someone that doesn't drink or do drugs or have sex influenced you again.

I cried to the friend. He became my closest ally. He confessed to me that you mentioned your feelings for me.

I was heartbroken in so so so many ways. By your lies. By your faults and how you succumbed to it all.

You tried- after filling other's mouths with the dirt of me, the lies- to talk to me again. Not to say sorry, not to apologize for lying to my mother and having her cry. Just to taunt me and talk about how uncomfortable and rude I was for not trusting even saying a single word to you.

I can't. I can't trust it again. You lost me. I'm sorry to say, MH, but friend has become even closer to me because of what you did.

And sometimes I feel guilty, even though I knew you said you were interested in your girlfriend. She left you too, hurt that you wanted someone else and how you got so angry at her for not understanding.

Today friend and I are a bit more than friends. In college, working towards a future together, building over the rubble of the past.

I hope you find peace and get off all the shit. Even with all you hurt me, I've still cried over watching you hurt yourself with it all.

Good luck.