⚠️ talks about rape ⚠️

I'm 16 now... but when I was 14 I got really drunk... and got raped... I didn't know him, I didn't see his face. I just remember his smell, and let me tell you I wish I could forget...

But he got me pregnant... and I was only 14... I was going to abort, after all, I was 14... how could I provide this baby with a good life? How could I take care of it? How could I be a good mother when I was cutting and starving myself trying to kill myself in a way nobody would notice.

I made that appointment and I wish I didnt.. because a week later, before the appointment I miscarried. It was such a horrible pain, but I couldn't tell my mom... so I dealt with the pain. I remember passing the fetus. But I just flushed it. I couldn't look at it. My one chance to see my baby and I didn't.

At first i felt relief... I mean I got what I wanted... but now, I just think how stupid it was. Why didn't I man up? Why didn't I want that baby in the first time? Because NOW im grieving. Because my baby would be holding my hand and saying "mommy i love you" and maybe I wouldn't feel so freaking alone.

And somehow I feel like I did this to myself. I was drunk. I got raped. Wouldn't that be my fault? I booked that abortion. Wasn't I asking to loose the fetus anyways? I didn't take vitamins or even give my baby a chance...

And now I'm breaking. Because now my baby would be 2.

I'm sorry that I was stupid, all you moms wanted your babies... and i just wanted to give mine up... and now I'm on here crying, and looking at your scans from 10 weeks, and your miscarriages trying to find comfort and solace...

I just feel so alone.