I have some mental health issues and the ones that causes the most problems in my relationship is my General Anxiety Disorder and wavering self-esteem/confidence (it's gotten a lot better over the years but sometimes it just crashes). We're not in danger of breaking up or anything and it's a pretty healthy relationship and we support each other etc etc. And I know he's helped me grow as a person, and he's nothing but supportive of my goals, and he's so romantic, and whenever I have a panic attack or i need a shoulder to cry on, he's always there for me, and I often feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm not putting enough effort into the relationship.

I'm not a very romantic person and my anxiety makes it hard to force myself anything beyond a standard 'I love you' or 'you look great today.' And then when I do try, the best I can do say something genuine while wrapped up in a joke or a silly voice. (Not that what I'm saying IS a joke, it's just easier to be funny than vulnerable. At then least if what I say ends up sounding goofy, i can say it was on purpose.) I guess I'm scared of being rejected--which is ridiculous because he's been dating my dysfunctional ass and dealing with my dysfunctional family problems for nearly four years and we have plans for the future. If he wanted to leave me I'm sure he would have said so by now.

Mostly I'm scared that I'm not a good girlfriend. It's been nearly four years and I'm still clueless as to how to be romantic or picking up hints that he wants to make out and stuff without him explicitly telling me. Hell he could pull me on top on him and I'd still start worrying like 'shit should I kiss him now or what do other ppl do.' Sometimes he might ask me to say something romantic and I just panic and shut down and I literally go mute. And then I just panic more because I'm taking too long and the thoughts are all there but I just can't get them out.

And it's not that big of a deal because he thinks it's cute when I get a little flustered--not full-blown anxious, mind you, I mean just the little kind of embarrassed. 'Ur so cute when you blush' vs 'you can to me, it'll be okay.' Y'know?

I think it's more frustrating for me than it is for him, but while he is very sympathetic, there have been moments where he's asked 'what are so afraid of? We're literally by ourselves and you know I won't judge you what's the worst that can happen?' And I don't have an answer to those questions and it's like 'you know what you're right in totally safe here' but I still clam up as soon as I try.

And rationally, I know that. I'm self-aware enough that I can talk myself through how I'm feeling and why, even if it does still take me a while to be totally calm again. My rational brain says 'if you say this it'll make him happy' but my anxiety says 'this is probably the wrong thing to say and he won't like it.' I know I'm being irrational and it's my mental disorder talking, but there's always a nagging 'what if?'

Another thing that bugs me is he's always fine. He doesn't seem to have any problems. I mean everybody has problems, and nobody's perfect, but I'm always the one having a meltdown. I come from an--according to like everybody I know--abusive home and I have a lot of emotional baggage, whereas he doesn't seem to have any. Like, he's an open book and he's always especially honest with me and I am with him.

I have a really hard time relating to other people who come from healthy homes who are really close with their parents. Apparently getting your removed from your room even when you're like 20 is abuse, who knew! But my bf can go out drinking with his dad no problem, meanwhile if my dad knew that I drink (out with friends) he'd probably yell at me. Idk, it's all so alien to me and ppl are like 'Jess this is totally normal why are you so shocked.'

Anyway, what I'm saying is I guess some people are just fine, and can just be fine without living in fear that at my moment everything could fall apart and they'd hit rock bottom. And that baffles me so much and sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like sometimes maybe he'd be fine without me. Like, who needs a better half when you're already whole? I don't doubt that he loves me and I honestly don't think he's going to walk out on me or that he thinks I'm exhausting to be around. It's just like 'why aren't you fucked up like me? Why aren't you constantly nervous like me? What have I done that I'm crumbling from the inside and you're so confident?' I don't want him to be miserable, I just hate when I can't be helpful. And I know he's not perfect and his life isn't perfect, and there are things he's stressed about (especially school I think, and money--we both live at home but we're trying to move out). It's like I want him to talk to me but there's nothing to talk about, meanwhile I'm always venting about my latest disaster.

Maybe I'll talk to him about it next time I see him but I have a feeling this is just me overthinking again.