Dear past me

7 months, 20 days. That's how long we've been clean. I would tell you things like "Oh baby it gets better. " but I know you won't see this, even if you could, I hate you. You missed a few blades when you threw them "all" away. I found some today and felt sick when I was tempted to start again. I've gotten stronger but with all the shit going on, I want that feeling of control again. I've stopped sleeping because I wake up in fits, having dreamt of killing myself or other people. I just want to strip these scars from my body and feel truly clean. every turn I'm haunted by you. Even when the tiniest thing goes wrong I think of the feeling of releif I got from controlling that, but then I get sick. the sight of my own body makes me sick. I can't even blame anyone but, well, us. I can't and won't start again, but you're still in my head, almost like a seperate person. I hate you. I hate that you're here even when I'm supposed to be happy. You're here when I should be angry. You trained my body to hide emotions, so I can't even tell anyone. The moment something goes wrong, you're there, hissing in my ears and clawing at my legs. The tempting pain almost gets to me, but I won't let it. I hate you. I will always hate you. Because it's your fault I can no longer even learn to love myself. I hope those few bursts of control were worth it. I threw away the blades I found. You're here now, claeing and clawing at my legs. I won't let you hurt me anymore.