Very long post and potential trigger ⚠️ My parents were always very controlling when I was growing up. To this day I don't know how to maintain friendships because I was never allowed to hang out with my friends outside of school without it being this big deal that had to go through a whole process of approval that I rarely met the qualifications for. When I was 18 and at community college they started giving me a little more freedom and it was so exciting I went a little overboard. I met this guy on Tinder, he lived in the city and I lived in the suburbs and had never been to a club and he said he could take me to one if I wanted to go. I got so excited to actually go to a club that was unbelievable to me. I lied to my parents and told them I was sleeping over at a friends house. He said he had a female roommate so if I felt comfortable I could stay in her room. Then I met this guy, Mikael was his name, and he drove me up to the city. He said if I wanted to pregame the club he had put some vodka in that sprite bottle and I could have it if I wanted. I had never really drank before but I trusted him, I shouldn't have. I don't know if there was just waaaay more vodka than sprite in there or if there was something else. Before I had drank much I clarified that I was not looking for any kind of hookup, I just wanted to go to the club and experience the city. He laughed and said it was totally fine. But once we got to the city, whatever was in that sprite bottle had made me insanely drunk. I mean my limbs felt like noodles. He was then like ohhh I don't think you're dressed up enough to get into any clubs and my drunk ass was like ohhh bummer! Oh well. Then he said ohhh and you know what my place is actually on the other side of town so if you want I can just rent a hotel room. You look like you could use some sleep. And my drink trusting ass was like yeah you're right I am really tired lets do that! He had me wait in the car while he rented the room by himself. Then he took me up to the room, took off my clothes and had sex with me. I did not resist but I definitely wasn't all there. I didn't really feel attached to my body or what was going on. Unfortunately I spent the night in that hotel room and when I woke up the next morning it all came back to me and I remembered all of these horror stories my parents had told me about girls getting raped then murdered. I did actually fear for my life so I got up to go clean myself and he woke up. I decided the best thing to do would be to pretend everything was ok, that I wasn't terrified or mortified about what had happened. Then he came onto me again and I was all too conscious that time but figured it wasn't worth risking my life so I had to go along with it. Pretend I actually wanted it. He was not an attractive guy, at no point of knowing him or talking to him on tinder did I ever have any interest in hooking up with him. I just thought he seemed nice and was naive enough to think anyone on tinder was just looking for friendship. Once he was finished again, he drove me back. I got in my car. Thought about it and decided I was not going to let that creep have any power over my life. I was going to drive out of that parking lot and put it out of my mind. I was more than what some asshole did to me. I started classes at community college, met what I thought was a great guy. And started kicking ass at college. Then, about a month after the incident, my period didn't come. I started to panic and took a test and found that I was pregnant. I thought and prayed that it was the guy I was currently seeing, he had already knocked up one girl in the past. But the day before Halloween I got an ultrasound and they judged the date of conception to be roughly sept 23, which was before I met my current so and the exact date of the incident. My heart fell to the floor because I was so conflicted about what to do. I believe that every life has value but I did not want my life to be derailed by this creeps actions. I didnt want him to have any power over my life. The next day, nature made my decision for me and I miscarried on Halloween. I hadn't told my parents but it got to the point that I actually thought I was going to die from the blood loss. I went to my parents and told them everything, except for the guys contact info. My father would have actually gone after him and killed him and I loved my father and wanted him to stay out of prison more than I wanted justice for myself. My father and mothers response was to tell me I was "either lying or the dumbest person they'd ever met" instead of taking me to a hospital they kept me up for hours screaming at me and lecturing me. Eventually they did pack me up in the car and took me to... the police station to try and force me to file a police report. The station was closed so they took me home, driving past the hospital on the way. Then they yelled at me some more, told me my life "had come to complete, screeching halt" that I couldn't be trusted to take care of myself and make good choices so I was no longer allowed to drive myself anywhere and they would only drive me to class or work. They said I shouldn't think for a second that they didn't know for a fact I was lying, that I had gotten pregnant on my own and then killed that baby. That they were so ashamed of me. My dad eventually said that he knows I needed his support right now, but that just wasn't something he could do right now. Over the past three years, they have loosened the reigns, but they never speak about what happened and pretend like it never did. My mom makes me watch tv shows like outlander with her even though she knows it has graphic rape scenes in it. Talks about what a fantastic show it is and insists I sit there and watch a show that practically has some form of sexual assault in every episode. I am currently suffering from depression and anxiety. I literally flunked a year of classes at my dream school, a public Ivy League school, that I transferred to. The school expunged my grades after my therapist explained the state of my mental health and recommended I be allowed to take time to get some help. When my mom found out, moved me out of my dorm, she was yelling at me again, basically saying I was making up my mental health problems too. Saying I was a pathological liar. When I asked what else I had lied about she did, after three years of silence on the issue, finally addressed the incident by saying in the most mocking voice possible, "I was RAPED mom!" Proceeding to tell me no one in our family believes me and I just make things up to cover my mistakes. At that point I couldn't handle it anymore and moved in with my current boyfriend. My dad is heartbroken that I wasn't speaking to my mother and offered to pay for community college and my rent if I would move back home, that my mom would work on how she treats me. I missed him and my family so I agreed. I planned to move in on that Sunday. On Tuesday my mom asked me when I was coming home via text, I said Sunday. She insisted I come home that very night or they would refuse to give me a cent. I asked why was it imperative I come home tonight. She gave me a bunch of bullshit but when I pressed the matter she eventually admitted my dad wasn't comfortable with me living with my boyfriend of over a year because he didn't like the idea of me having sex with a man. That ticked me off like you would not believe. I finally snapped back at her asking "so what dad wants me to do with my body is more important than what I want to do with my body?" Also, heaven forbid I find someone who loves me despite everything that happened to me, and who treats me with love and doesn't call me a pathological liar! She just ignored my question and I pressed saying I don't have to live with him to have sex with him. She ignored that too and just continued with her blackmail. Eventually we agreed that I could move back Friday. Now I have moved home and she has been incredibly nice to me, but I know it is only a matter of time before she crosses a line again as soon as I disagree with her. It is convenient financially, but I HATE living in the same house as the person who abandoned me when I needed her most and called me a liar and a murderer. I feel so uncomfortable here and just want to go back to my boyfriends place.