Another BFN.. shouldn't be a big deal right? If only it was the one BFN, but it's not , it marks the one millionth it seems, it marks another month, that what we thought was our best shot...wasn't. Another month where the random person got pregnant, but didn't even try. Another month some dope head is in jail for drugs, and just so happens to be pregnant with number 13. Another month where your best friend got a BFP, and by her surprise she wasn't even wanting one. For us that have been TTC for longer than we would like to say out loud, in fear of crying in someone's face, it hurts. We wait the best we can to no avail. We symptom spot, and even worse try not to symptom spot. We take that one little test on 9, then 10, another on 11, and again on 12, more expensive one on 13, then a FRER on 14 DPO. Then we google late BFPs, clutching at straws, that maybe just maybe the fertilization was late. Maybe our timing was off. But how could that be when we spend half of our income on Fertility treatments, and OPKs, we rely on our bodies to help us make a baby. We check our CM often, hoping this CD it's different than the last CD. When our siggys go triphastic, we pray LET THIS BE IT!! But alas, another BFN. We take our tests, beg that second line to show mercy on us. Then we take it apart, basically making a second line by simultaneously searching the other. Once AF shows, we're mad, but we can't take our anger to work, we can't take it to our friends. So we start reasoning to God, and to our charts. We think of all the things we could do different, the next month we do. It's a gut punch. I'm happy for people in my network here at home when they become pregnant , I really am. But, that delete friend button gets pushed regardless of how I feel about them as people. It's not that, I'm not blessing them, it's that I'm bitter as hell.

So this time just like any other , I'll tell my husband yet again...... ITS NOT JUST A BFN, it's my dream and my dream said not today!