*im drunk, english isnt my first language and i didnt re-read it so I'm sorry if it sucks.*

Tonight i’ve been drinking. Maybe i’ve drank a little too much, maybe i’ve just held on to something for too long. Since I can remember, I’ve always played with dolls, acting as if I just gave birth to a beautiful baby. I’d gave this doll so much love it was almost real. When I turned 15, I’ve met the most amazing person ever. He was the best boyfriend I could ever hoped for. I ended up dating him for 3 years. Young, naïve, I thought he was the one. That’s when I started wishing I could give birth. Give birth to a soon-to-be gentleman, or a powerful young lady. Whoever it’d be, my baby’d change the world. Then I changed boyfriends a couple of times as I grew older. I finally met my bestfriend, my lover, a couple of years ago. I was working in a clothing store, I was dating a guy who wasn’t treating me right. I’ve met this boy, tall, manly, who had the brightest smile ever. His smile could light up the entire room. I had no idea I’d date him 2-3 years later. When we finally ended up together, we weren’t thinking It would last. It was that kind of love, you know, the healthy one. I didn’t NEED him or his love. But I wanted it. Fell in love a year ago, it was the most amazing thing ever. He understands me, knows me so well, and is just perfect for me. First night we decided we'd try to conceive was on valentine's day. Everything was perfect. We made love that night, we ended up crying after. Our love was so strong, our decision so right, anything was possible. May 6th, we’ve conceived what I thought was a miracle. Only made love 3 times that month, we weren’t even sure he could conceive actually. I was so happy. I’ve been wanting kids for 10 years. It was my everything. Life was so good, we were so happy. Until I’ve lost the baby. My baby. Our baby. Our little miracle. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve failed. I was so happy. We were so happy. My boyfriend couldn’t touch the ground. He was rubbing my belly at night, we even found names early. How could I’ve wanted ‘’something’’ so badly, and then lost it? What did I do wrong? While I was mourning my loss, my bestfriend gave birth to her beautiful daughter. I had to stay strong and be happy for her. Was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. This, and flushing my nearly 6 weeks down the toilet, feeling helpless, after taking a picture, THE only picture I’d ever get from it, making sure this pregnancy was real. Life’s unfair. We were ready, I was ready. Gotta try again. Gotta stay strong. I'm so sorry.