I've been so hesitant to post on here.. maybe because I just don't know how to explain what I went through or maybe I just don't feel like I should talk about it on here.. but I just need help or someone to talk to that maybe went through something similar.. I'm going to try and keep it as short as I can so please try your best to read it all.

Back story: I was on and off with a guy 10 years older than me. We never really dated just kinda hooked up through out the years and would see each other for a month or two weeks etc..

Him and I always fought throughout the years, always butt heads and he's always been verbally abusive. Calling me names etc.

Fast forward to last summer him and I reconnect again. He connects with me first so I say in my head ok here we go what's going to happen this time... everything is fine at first and I'm falling in love with him just like I did other times we would connect (I've loved him since the first day I met him basically)

So I'm not aloud on my phone in his house, I can't touch him phone, computer, iPad. Nothing. He wouldn't even let me touch his stereo in his car to change the station 😳

I always had to do what he wanted it was never about me, he made me have sex with him in the morning and sometimes I would cry for him making me and he would get mad at me for getting upset.

He would make me feel guilty for things in the past and say I had to have a 3sum with him to make up for the things. He would ignore me for a week at a time, follow me places, break up with me every other week, follow girls I hate on social media, honestly the list just goes on....

But the worst of it is he would beat me. He would spit in my face, punch me, throw me around, hit my throats so I couldn't breathe, tell me he's going to drag me to the curb if I didn't leave his house.

My issue is is I am so fucking depressed and feel so empty inside. I have no motivation to do anything. I have no savings or money because I spent it all on him and have a 10 thousand dollar visa I need to pay off that's maxed out because of him.

I begged him 2 days before valentines day to spend it with me but he refused and said no we're broken up... so I went to another guys house who bought me a frikken apple I watch for Valentine's Day and got my mom something too.. he's a guy I've known for a bit just a friend and my ex knew about him... which is how my ex showed up at the guys house on valentines.. so my ex threw a fit and called me a slut and he never talked to me again after that.... he made me feel like I did something wrong when you have read everything he did to me...

I've tried emailing him since February and he will not reply, he's blocked me on everything which YES I know it's for the better but I would at least like an apology for the abuse ... he feels no remorse.. it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do? Do I message him and just ask him to say he's sorry? Like did I do anything wrong to him? We were broken up.. sorry I had a friend but me and my mom something for valentines.

I am so lost and sad.. and this just isn't me. I'm usually so motivated and always work and go out with friends and now I just don't do anything and have no job. Someone please guide me.