A long time ago I was in a situation that has shaped the way I feel up till a couple months ago about why I have not kept any of our children. Being sexually attacked by a family member is putting it lightly. At the time he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. When he went home to her he said the baby was not theirs anymore but ours (he's psychotic). She was so scared she threw herself down a flight of stairs, and miscarried at 3 months. During a conversation with a local pastor while preparing to get married, we meet with a man we didn't know hoping he could do the ceremony. This event happened to come to light, as well as the fact that too this day, I have not made it past 3 months. This man, had the audacity to tell me that this was my punishment. That because of past situations and sin I would be in a sense cursed this way. My heart has been broken for 9 years. Knowing instantly that he was wrong, but going through miscarryafter miscarry and never making it past 3 months. After numerous treatments, judgement from relatives, family telling me that either I needed to keep trying or I was not doing everything I could do or even the ones who told me that if I had been busier in life this should have never happened. I am done listening to those voices and lies. Fact: I was molested and the person responsible got pity and I got heartbreak, responsibility put over my head for things out of my control, kicked out of my home because he needed a safe place to talk to someone, and suggestions that I needed help. I DON'T THINK SO. Those people and lies, I'm done. I have a loving, supportive husband who stands by and protects me and new influences, healthier ones that show me I am beautiful even when I'm broken. I am not going to stop trying for our miracle, and I know my life is hard and it hurts but I found that I am allowed to hurt and be happy. So many people close to us have had children and I can be excited, but I am done being scared and sorry, or a local topic. Sometimes you just need to let things out and I don't feel better, but I FEEL and that is important to me.