Cheated on With Hookers- Don't Know How To Co-Parent and Heal!! Please Help!!!

This is a little long, but PLEASE PLEASE read it and HELP ME. I need help ladies. PLEASE. I really need to heal. I'm so heart broken and my self esteem dropped. 😞💔

First, I will say that I am a person who enjoys family. Building a family and being in love with someone whom I could trust and do most things in life with. I am also a one-man type of woman and I believe in monogamy- I don't jump around. I was in a relationship for three years with my ex. We have a 2-year-old together, but we live separately. When we first met, I fell for him pretty quickly because I had taken time off from dating to heal from an emotionally abusive relationship. When I met him, I was ready to finally love again. After a few months, I saw signs that he a heavy drinker, and he flirted a lot. I also knew that he enjoyed sex a lot. Slowly I began to question if he was serious about us. At this time I was already in love with him and spent a whole year with him trying to make things work. To stop drinking so much, flirting, smoking. and finally realizing he was a habitual liar. It was a cycle breaking up and getting back together. I couldn't let go. One day he cheated on me and we broke up; I later found out I was pregnant. We decided to be together and move together. Shortly after moving in he was doing suspicious things, lying and covering it up. We had a huge argument and he left the house for 2 weeks while I was 6 months pregnant. he came back and told me before I found out he would tell me that he slept with a hooker. I was in so much pain and disbelief ( I knew he was a cheater, but while I'm pregnant??). it was the time I needed him the most. I wasn't even in a position to leave as I had not been to work since my bed rest leave. we didn't talk for a while, though we lived together and as time passed we had our son, whom he begged me to name after him ( now I regret, but I still loved him and wanted to make him happy despite the nfidelity.

Our relationship got worst because I was still hurting from the cheating as the baby grew.

We eventually moved to our own places. I originally live 1 hour away, and that where i went back to.

We again got back together after going to court ( still stuck on each other). it had been 4 months and I even went counseling. At that time I thought counseling helped and we were on good terms and promised to give our relationship and family a real shot. For one whole year, I did everything I could do and we were still together so no complaints on his end. It was hard getting to this place, because he was always lying and flirting, cheating, not committing, drinking a lot and staying drunk, etc. I finally thought we made it to a safe place. Then BOOM!!

One day our son is playing with his device and he asked me to take it from him. I take it and see that it is in the messages. while glancing, I see all kinds of dollar amounts. I looked at him and scrolled more quickly and saw that for the last year he had been paying for sex and they have been to his place!! Hookers? whores? whatever you call them - I wanted to throw up. I was scared and panicked and all hell broke that day. I spent days not talking to him, but like an idiot, i feel for his sorry's , " i won't do it again ". trying to make it work for our family, I set my pain aside and it hurt so bad. As time passed he kept lying about stupid things, not related to cheating though. He was still unaffectionate, still made me feel like less and I still feel like I always had the short end f the stick. One day we argued and he said he wasn't sorry he cheated because I keep asking him if he loved me, and I was nagging him. I felt so torn and a part of me knew he really wasn't. The next day he said he said it out of anger, but I still felt horrible. I knew I could never trust him and I felt inadequate, stupid, used and ugly. How could he choose hookers over me ?? over our family?? I used to model, an athletic figure, clear skin (baby face) and I'm 30, he is 38.

Finally, I just went off on him because I remembered all the times I asked him to buy clothes for the baby, I asked him for a new set of earrings, he snared when we ate out, All the time he had money and was giving it away for Pussy. I'm so so so broken and hurt and I feel like shit. We have a child together and I don't want to keep him away from him long term but I really need to heal and find away to get him out my system. So far I have not talked to him for 3 days. the last time I talked to him we argued and he told me if I didn't accuse him of cheating then i wouldn't be cheated on. I felt like trash and since they have ignored him. At this point, I don't want anything to do with him, even though I secretly wish he was better because a part of me loved him and wanted to be a family. You just don't throw 3 years away- he didn't even care what he did to us by his actions.

HOW CAN I HEAL ?? I feel so much pain like my heart is breaking. I cry and cry. I want to escape the feelings but dont know how while sharing a child. Will be wrong if I just take time to heal for a few months and resurfaces to continue to co-parent? Please no bashing me...just want advice.

Right now I just want him to leave me alone