Warning this is a long post

So I've been suffering with a lot of things for a while now and after going through another very rough season I decided I wanted to get diagnosed so I could stop telling myself I'm being dramatic.

So I was diagnosed by a physiatrist with major depressive disorder and some other stuff to do with adjustment and seasonal with mild to sever anxiety.

Sooo here's what I'm getting at.. She diagnosed me with PTSD as well. And like I feel guilty cause I'm not like a soldier who saved lives or escaped from a burning building and like I wasn't raped and my heart goes out to those who have been in so sorry. But my friends have awakened me to the fact that this wasn't sexual harrasment but assualt. Sure I was pretty sure The depression must be there ever since about middle school I'm always tired, there's this weight on me. And I know I spend to much time thinking about killing myself (I'm not) I just idk it's hard to go on thinking it'll go on like this forever. I would say In these periods of time I would say I spend a lot of time in my past memories and there's just this weight on me but I think that's just my depression. So in 8th grade I used to get there early before school and no one would be there except for these 3-5 guys who were my "friends". I didn't necessarily tell them the word no but they would grope me (through clothes) and I'd stop them and then it would happen again. I sorta have this one foggy memory where I tried to get away and they pinned me to the table. But like I'd always laugh it off. Idk.. like I didn't want it but it's all confusing and then when I went to HS i met this guy who became good friends with me really fast. He had a habit of just kind of grabbing at girls. And he did that to me all the time every day for 2 years but it was confusing because he was my best friend but I didn't really want him doing that and sometimes Id show him me being uncomfortable but again I didn't think he was necessarily doing anything wrong and everyone around me didn't help it was like a joke. And then he started to like me and I felt like I should like him I mean he supported me so much and made me feel like I was attractive. But I just didn't we had a connection but I just didn't. The physical contact got worse. He and I hung out one on one at his how and I was sitting on the floor and we were laughing and I rolled and all of a sudden it's vague but he was like over me and I quickly got up. Then the last straw was when he constantly at a party tried to get me in his lap and then me and him a friend on his other side got locked in the and he put his arm around both of us and he started feeling me and I just panicked and started banging on the door and one of my guy friends ran at the car and pulled me out of the car. And then one of my friends had to tell me it wasn't normal and I turned him in but still feel guilty. Like I don't know if I ever said the word no and he was my best friend I should've been more upfront...

then for my senior year I was in a relationship with another guy who had turned into my best friend. We were the greatest friends and he was just a cute funny dork and everyone just wondered when we were going to date. So I made home wait honestly for about a year because there were so many walls around my heart but he stuck with me. Once I was ready we started dating and (I'm Christian and am saving myself till marriage I know that you don't have to and not all agree but it's my choice) we crossed our first boundary and I cried with him because it just broke my heart but we had such this strong talk that we were going to be better. Then it was but then when I'd tell him no he'd tell me things and do things to make me go back and it just got worse and worse. I know now this is called coercion One time I told him no and I pretended to go to sleep and he touched real quick while I was asleep. After going back and forth for so long I began to feel numb. Then he broke up with me. I had no value for myself. I had no friends that i had been seeing because he didn't like me going out. Then we got together again and it started all over again. Then come to find out he had been cheating on me or at least trying to since like the 2nd month of our relationship and ending it with cheating on me with one of my best friends.

Anyways... I just vented a lot And I'm sure it's just rambling. I just needed to talk and I want to know if like I have PTSD like I get that sucks and all I spend way to much time thinking about it. Last year was my first year on campus and sometimes I get so scared. And sometimes I just stare at the walls in my room and dontmove all day I just spend a day trapped in my head. Some days I'd walk back from class and just Want to stop but killing myself would mean killing my little sister to and I can't do that. I think if it was just up to me I'd be Gone by now. Anyways depression is a given just ptsd? I just feel like I need to have had something terrible happen... idk