Hey ladies. A little over a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend. August 18th would've been our 3 year anniversary. I think I'd known for a long time that it needed to end, but I was in denial and ignoring that feeling because we still had good days... So that's how I justified staying.

He's the kind of person who always has to be the victim, everything happens TO him, he doesn't really take responsibility... And we'd hit rock bottom a lot of times before. We'd have arguments where we almost broke up, but he'd say things like "If you give up that means you never actually loved me" and say things about how if I left he would have no reason to keep living, so we always reconciled. I kept telling myself that there must be something we haven't tried yet, there has to be some way we can fix this.

But I finally had enough, and he pushed me into breaking up with him over the phone. I kept telling him that I didn't want to have the conversation over the phone, that I wanted to have it in person, but he just kept pushing me into telling him and saying "Don't play this game with me" and things like that. So I told him I wanted to break up because I didn't see my future with him anymore. The first thing he said was asking if I was leaving him for some other guy, because of course it would have to be that and not because of something he did... But no, that isn't why. I don't even have any guy friends anymore (and pretty much no friends at all) because he pushed them all away.

So then he tries bringing up all these old issues and arguing about things that didn't matter, and started saying some really cruel things, so finally I said "Who are you?" because it was like he wasn't this person who supposedly loved me anymore... And he goes "I am what you made me." That was kind of the last straw for me so I said "That's bullshit," and he goes "Fuck you!" and I immediately hung up.

The first week afterwards was hell. The next morning I woke up straight into a panic attack (I have an anxiety disorder, btw) and had to call my mom at work because I felt like I was suffocating. I was miserable and stopped eating. I thought he hated my guts, this person who I'd devoted my entire heart and soul to for the last 3 years, and that tore me up inside.

This is the first breakup I've had where I'm not in school with the guy (and therefore still forced to see him every day after the breakup), so it's been weird for me. We texted a few times during that first week, but haven't talked since then, and I haven't actually seen him since 3 days before we broke up.

I have some good days and a lot of days where I just feel numb. Some days I'm completely depressed and hopeless. This morning I woke up and couldn't shake the feeling that I am never going to find love again, that I'm going to end up alone and it's not worth the hurt of trying to find love again anyway.

I'm having a really hard time, and I could really use some advice. The loneliness is killing me. The feeling of hopelessness is so hard to shake. And sometimes I regret ending it because at least it was safe. At least I had someone. I've been unemployed since February, have basically no friends, and now I don't have him either. I'm really just...not okay.