I'm sure none of you or very few of you can relate, so please try to understand where I'm coming from and not be judgmental.

I'm currently 19 weeks 5 days with my first, it was unplanned. I'm 20, will turn 21 right before the baby is born. My fiancé is 22. I don't know what I'm having yet, I find out in 6 days. My fiancé and I have no names picked out yet, I guess we'll start talking about it after we know what we're having.

I never wanted kids. Like.. I. HATE. Children. I was even all for getting my tubes tied just because I was that sure that I never wanted kids. But you either have to be like 24 years old or already have a few kids or have a medical reason to do it I believe, they won't just do it. But, I found out I was pregnant in early June, so I was about a month along at that point, maybe more. At first I was scared and angry, but my fiancé was supportive, and he got excited about it, so I started to get excited too. And I've been pretty excited some days, but others I'm still not on board with it and wish I could go back in time. Family members are all excited, of course, and as far as everyone else knows I'm excited too.

But lately, like the last few weeks, I've just been pissed. Like I DO NOT want to be pregnant anymore, I hate being pregnant. And I'm sure no one really enjoys it, but it's really not my cup of tea. And why I'm really typing this post is because I'm having a really hard time feeling any bond with the baby. I feel no love for it, I don't really fell excited when I can feel it kick, I'm not excited to have it and be a mother and breast feed and have to be responsible for another person, really. Like, motherhood in general just doesn't sound like something I want to do.

So it sounds like I should just put the baby up for adoption, yeah? But I can't do that, I don't think. To make a long backstory short, (maybe I'm just fucked up!!) my biological mom put me up for adoption, my real dad ended up getting me back and raising me with another woman who I believed was my biological mother, but my biological mom (and my older brother and sister) were never a part of my life until I was 16 and I found out about everything and met them. And I've met that whole side of the family. I'm close to my sister and brother, grandparents, uncles, cousins, but never have been with my mom. I've only seen her a few times.

I just really do not want to be like her.... That's part of the reason I'm not open to adoption, but also I don't know how my family and fiancé's family would take it, I think there would be some strong resentment there. Sooooooo.

That's where I'm at... I'm sad that I don't feel a bond with the baby. I don't know why I'm not, I really should have like SOME sort of maternal instincts that would make this easier for me and feel more natural but it doesn't. I guess, I want to have the baby and be like a nice normal mom and I'm sure as soon as I hold the baby for the first time I'll love it to pieces but, I'm scared that I might not ever feel that love.