I always thought TTC was a fun and exciting process. When my fiancé said he wanted me to stop taking my pills I was ecstatic. After all I was only 22 years young and in fairly good health (I say fairly because I had the diet of an Avery age 20 year old). My fiancé has two previous children with two different mothers (my point being he is fertile no doubts about that). With baby fever in the air as I watched countless friends pop up pregnant some who planned it some who wish they had planned better but all of which ended with an adorable new bundle of life. I couldn't wait for a late period to hint that maybe we got lucky, I dreamed of us sitting on the count staring at the pregnancy test waiting for our results. I thought this whole process was going to be so exciting. But then a few months went by, my periods were regular, our sex was regular, I even bought prenatals and downloaded an app to help me track ovulation. Finally my period was no where to seen and I was 4 days late, I took the test by myself (I wanted to surprise him). I surprised myself when it came up negative. The next 6 months went quickly as we approached 9 months TTC; the irony left a pit in my stomach. I thought I'd have a big ol belly by now but here I am still skinny as ever. The facebook posts and baby pictures never stop, the ones who never wanted kids are blessed with them and that stupid minus sign never hurts any less. I think back and am thankful i never told anyone we were trying for a baby of our own, I think of how embarrassing to explain that we haven't stopped trying it's just not happened yet. Don't get me wrong I know some couples try for 5+ years before it happens for them but my fiancé has a daughter from a one night stand so i cant help but to feel defective. I can't help but to hate her for taking what might have been mine. I cant help not wanting to see or talk about babies anymore. I cant help but to feel like there is something wrong with me, and I try my hardest not to get upset when my fiancé tells me to be patient and it will happen. I try but just like he has told me I can't understand some things about being a parent he cant understand some of what I'm feeling when a total stranger got what I want after an hour of knowing him and I've even trying for over a year. TTC is not the magical dream I had imagined for myself and it sucks.