I woke up the day after. Thinking our dinner must have turned into a whooping party, as I remembered nothing at all.

While sobering up, an uncomfortable feeling dawned on me. Did I have sex? Did WE have sex? I really wasn't sure. By the end of the day, I had to ask him. He laughed. We sure did! He like it. He thought it was fun. I did not. I could still only remember fragments.

We did have fun. But How did I get so drunk? I only remembered the first drink. And I had vague memories of rejecting shots and drinks he kept offering me.

And I remembered that I told him to stop. Several times. But I was too drunk to keep him at distance. I was too drunk to get him off me. And my body was too weak to make efforts enough.

I had no reason to be wary if him. I did like him. But I had no intentions of having sex with him. We had just met, and he was my close friends trusted friend. And we were about to spend several weeks, inevitably close together, as we were traveling in the same small group of people.

I couldn't see myself as a victim of rape! I'm a strong and independent woman! And the journey I had been looking so much forward to, had only just started! I can't be raped by someone I don't dislike - can I?

I couldn't accept the feeling of being raped. So I continued having sex with him. Like I was trying to unrape myself by acting as if we had something going on. Or pretending like I was the one taking advantage of him for sex.

I ended things after two weeks. But he kept trying. I would even wake up by him sneaking into my bed in the middle of the night, unasked for. But eventually, he accepted that he wasn't getting any more.

To this day, I haven't told anyone about this.

And I still cannot comprehend, if I was raped, or not.

-----update-----

Thanks for your replies ❤️

I don't think I was drugged. The drinks were strong af. I did ask the two friends who were with us that night, and they noticed nothing strange. All four of us were drinking and enjoying the evening.

Until they went home and he took the liberty to pull my dress up and put his penis inside me.

I'm fun, happy and laughing alot when drunk.

And I guess I was trying to regain control and to convince myself that I was the one using him for sex by keep having sex with him while sober and in better charge of my actions..