A part of me doesn't want to believe I was raped. I don't want to believe that my boyfriend would ever do that to me knowing that it has happened to me before by other people and he has helped me overcome it in the past.

Saturday we drank at his friend's cabin. Lately I haven't been eating that much and that day was no exception. It only took me 4 mikes hard lemonades to get drunk. I guess it didn't help that I chugged them. But I felt safe because it was with people that I trusted.

My boyfriend mentioned a few times that he wanted to fuck me. Each time I said no because I wanted to shower first and it was my most fertile day if the month and I don't want to get pregnant right now, he knew all of this. I said no very clearly. Or so I thought.

At the end of the night I crashed on the bed in the living room. I was mentally awake but my body was not. I felt him come up from behind me and put his finger under my nose to check my breathing. I then felt him put his hand down my sweatpants from behind as I lay on my side facing away from him. His energy didn't feel the same. It felt like someone other than him touching me. Even though I know it was him. He put a finger in my vagina. Then I heard as he removed it, spit on it, then slide it back in. I felt paralyzed. I was conscious but unable to move or speak. I then felt him pulling down my pants before he put his dick in me. I felt like a sexual object. He fuckin came inside of me then pulled my pants back up and moved in front of me, checked if I was breathing before he rolled over and went to sleep.

It's crazy that a part of me feels guilty for this. Before this all happened I remember looking at him and thinking "you're going to rape me tonight." I feel that I may have somehow telepathically implanted that idea in his head.

I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I felt disgusting.

To make matters worse, this cabin doesn't have a shower/bath. And there is an outhouse where the toilet is so I couldn't even "birdbath" if i wanted to. We were there for two full days and Friday night when we got there. This happened on Saturday night. We left there Sunday evening.

I kept crying in and off today. Chain-smoked 5 cigarettes, I don't even smoke usually. I dug my nail into my skin because I was just so desperate to not feel what I was feeling or at least to distract myself.

When I confronted him about it the next day he was super remorseful but asked "are you sure that maybe we both consented while being drunk because i don't remember having sex either" i didn't tell him I was mentally aware of what was going on.

This fuckin sucks.

This feels like a dream.

I don't want to believe this happened, again, just with a different person. A person who I would have NEVER thought would do that.

Fuck.

I just needed to get that off my chest.