Ok, so this is a really long story about how I lost my virginity to someone and now I'm lost, confused and sad. 3 things you definitely don't want to feel after your first time. I met this guy on a "road trip" through a mutual friend. It was a week long and I didn't talk to him much until we were on the last two days on our way back home. We sat next to each other the whole time and he chose to sit next to me even though his long legs were squished and a seat with more leg room was available. Anyways, he was definitely showing interest and I fed into it. When we got back, we started talking and hanging out alone and with our friend group. I finally confessed that I had feelings, and he admitted that he was attracted to me, but he was leaving for bootcamp in 2 months and wasn't looking for anything serious, which I knew and understood. I just wanted to get it off my chest. Anyways, we pretty much decided to be friends, which I was totally ok with. I'm a pretty shy person and he isn't, so I felt better knowing that I had even put myself out there. We were doing a really good job at being "just friends" until we had a kickback at my friend's house. We both got really drunk and ended up making out and trying to go to bed together. My friends were against it (thank god) and made us stay in the living room until we fell asleep. (he was the first guy who had shown interest in me for a while so I was loving this) We cuddled a lot and (I think!) we had some nice and funny drunk conversations. Sometime during the night we woke up alone on the couch and started making out again, which led to more. I ended up giving him a blowjob and he did a few things in return. Luckily, we both realized that we were too drunk to do much else. Now might also be a good time to mention that this was the first time I was ever sexually involved with anyone. The next day, we kinda just ignored what had happened, but at other parties/kickbacks, he held back around me because he knew that he couldn't control himself around me. Also, word got around that we kind of hooked up and my friends got involved and made us "talk it out" We decided that since he was leaving in a little over a month, and that we were wasted, it would be best to be just friends. This worked for a little while, until I was about 2 days from leaving for school. I was only going about an hour away, but wasn't sure if I would see him before he shipped out. He reached out, saying he wanted to see a movie and I wasn't sure if he meant with our friend group, or with just me. No one else was able to go, so it ended up just being the two of us. He showed up embarrassingly late because he was helping his grandparents with something and they weren't letting him leave. Anyways, we ended up cuddling and making out during the movie, but didn't go any farther. I assumed that I would see him again, but wasn't sure. About 5 days of me being in school, he asked when I was planning on coming back. I was planning on going home the next day for some stuff I forgot. So I made plans to see him and we ended up fooling around in the back of his mom's minivan before he had to go to work. (they sold his car already, since he was going into the military) I said bye to him again, but knew I would see him again. I realized that we were basically hookup buddies (or friends with benefits) but my naive heart wanted to believe it was more. We ended up meeting again on that Friday night. I lost my virginity to him in the back of his van, at midnight, parked in the back of an In-in-out parking lot. So romantic right? But I didn't really care. It felt so good and I wanted to do it again. He had about 2 weeks before he left. I suggested that we meet again and he said that he had family stuff and wasn't allowed to use the cars anymore. The next day, he texted me and said that he thinks we should end our "unhealthy friendship" and focus on being just friends until he left. I was a little sad, but I knew that it was a very unhealthy thing, especially since he was leaving and wasn't looking for a relationship. I knew he had other FWB's in the past, so he wasn't opposed to the idea of it, so why did he care when it was me? Was it me? Or was it that he was leaving and didn't want to catch feelings? I'd like to think that he truly cared and respected me as a friend and didn't want to put me through that. But I'm not really sure. I've just been feeling really down. I said my official goodbyes last week, and I'm a lot more sad than I expected I would. Feelings are coming out of nowhere and I really wish that we could have been something. Even though I said I wasn't going to get attached, I think I did. The only thing is that I was already really attached before we even had sex. Either way, I can't help but feel like it could have been something. I was willing to wait for him through bootcamp and stuff. His dad is a Marine and he's moved around a lot, so he's not used to having steady friendships and relationships, but our friend group will stick with him wherever he is. He told me before he left that he's good at making relationships, but he's bad at keeping them. I really think he's just scared of a relationship, but I know I have to get over him no matter what. He's gone. He said he would try to write to me, but I know he will probably never return the feelings I have for him. I'm just sad.