Something missing

Yesterday I got good news. I had finally got a job. As much as I enjoyed telling my parents and sharing it with all you ladies here, it didn’t feel the same as sharing it with someone I’m in love with. I do have a friend with benefits, but it’s feeling like more benefits and less friends. We use to see each other, then we broke up and tried to be friends but things happened and we stopped talking. Then about a month ago things changed and even though we were having sex it also felt like our friendship was repairing itself. But that only lasted about a week. We have hooked up again, but when he texts or calls me, it feels like it’s mostly about sex. So I’m trying to break myself of going to him when I have good or bad news. In short, I haven’t told him I got a job.

And just thinking I don’t have that someone special in my life also got me to think of what happened last weekend. I had been seeing this guy in November and December. I had posted about a fight I had with him a few weeks ago. He had messaged me on September 14 and 15. Basically he was upset because I blocked him on Facebook. Well on one message he was trying to change the way everything had happened so he could come out looking like a victim and me the bad person. I got pissed and after vowing not to reply back to him, I did reply. Naturally we fought again. Towards the end I told him it’s not like he cared about me so it shouldn’t matter what I do. That’s when he said he did care about me and he wanted to be friends again. I just said I don’t know. I was still angry. Then we didn’t talk the next day (which was a Saturday). Last Sunday, we started talking again. It was a civil conversation. He made himself clear that he want us to try dating again. I told him I had to think about it. But by the evening we started arguing again. He was making it sound like I was the one asking for a second chance. We both said some really nasty things to each other in the heat of the moment. We pretty much told each other goodbye. After a couple of days when I had cooled down, I regretted a lot of what I said. He hasn’t messaged me and I haven’t messaged him since.

Now with getting my good news yesterday, I’m wondering if I did the right thing. What if I should have gave us a second chance and walked away from my friends with benefits. I thought my life would be so different. I thought I would be married or at least in a committed relationship and have a couple of children already. But all that feels so far away now. I feel like I have this big whole in my life and I don’t know what to do about it.