I know, I wrote a novel. Long story short bellow near the end. First a little history. So I'm 27 my SO is 26. We've been together happily for 7 years. I, along with everyone else has thought that him and I would last forever and that we're perfect together. We've always talked about everything openly and honestly (I thought). I suffer from mental illness, Bi-polar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder mainly and he has always been my rock. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. In fact I have been verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive to him in the past pre-diagnosis. Since being diagnosed 2.5 yrs ago, I have grown as a person. I have learned to control my outbursts of emotion and am quite proud of how far I've come. He always stuck by me even through the abuse. He says he did it because I showed immediate remorse and immediately was seeking help.

This past spring the conversation of children came up again. Now, I've been on disability since February 2 years ago and have been making lengthy strides towards getting back into school to finish my final semester of my college; so probably not the best time to have a child but my biological clock is ringing and I can't find snooze! I know that's not a good reason to have a child so you'll be glad that we talked about it a lot. Why we want to have kids, what we think having kids means to us, parenting styles, and the biggest one, are we ready for that kind of responsibility?  Now I knew deep down that I was ready to do anything for my child once I had it. I was willing to sacrifice everything to make sure they would have even if I did not. I felt as ready as I think I'll ever be. I asked my SO if he thought he was ready and after several weeks of meditation on it he decided yes. I was ecstatic. So we began the plan to have our first child. Every month aunt Flo showed up, I'd ask him again. "Are you sure you want this Now? Cause if not I can wait." And he would always reassure me, yes yes I want this.

Fast forward to now. I am 11 weeks pregnant. Last Wednesday he came home from work miserable. Not because of anything at work he says, just the world. This has been a trend for almost a year. He will spit fire and talk horrible about the world and everyone in it including himself. To him, everything is black and white. I've been growing increasingly scared as his conversations have been getting darker and darker, sometimes joking about going out in a blaze of murderous, suicidal glory. Other times skipping the murderous bit and straight on to the suicide. He has been refusing to get help for his self esteem and depression issues since I first started to notice them. This Wednesday was particularly bad and I had enough. After pleading with him to see a counselor and him refusing again saying "I can't be helped" I did what literally everyone, including his own mother was telling me to do. Give him an ultimatum. He was starting to scare me and so for the safety of our child I would leave him if he didn't get help. Well he decided to up the anti and say fine. I'll just kill myself. The police were called and he was taken to the hospital where after finding out he didn't have a plan for suicide and that he had such great and supportive friend and family they released him, now in a worse mood than he was before. He was given a referral for "in a few weeks" to a psych. He still hasn't been called for an appointment. In all the ruckus his parents are notified and they decide to come pick him up and take him home to a city 8hrs away by car. That is where he is now.

Now I suspected a bit of this pimple may have come to a head because of the pregnancy but how much would rock me. Today he finally confessed... to everything. He's never been happy the whole 7 years we've been together. Again he says it's not the relationship, just the world. And he has decided that maybe he's not ready to be a dad yet and is regretting getting me pregnant. But then a minute later will be all gung Ho, I want to have the baby. So which is It? Yes or no? When I ask him this he says it's not that simple. But to me it is. Are you going to be with me and help me raise this child? His answer? I dunno. Well you sure as hell seemed to know 3 months ago! Of course now he tells me about his second thoughts. And how convenient, in the middle of the conversation his phone dies right after he's starts talking suicide again. (I know it died cause he told me it was dying and I heard the low battery beep a few minutes before the phone cut off.) But do you think he could plug it in, turn it on, and call me back to say goodnight, goodbye, or I love You?  Course not!  Now it's 600am. The phone died at 1130pm.

I feel like I've been lied to. Like the past 7 years mean nothing to him. Don't get me wrong, I understand his fears and second thoughts. I have them too! Heck I have generalised anxiety disorder! If anyone understands irrational fears it's me! But every new parent is afraid they're going to screw up or that they aren't ready! (So I've been told)

I'm just so mad! When I really want him the most he's pulling back from the relationship.

I also feel guilty. He has stuck by my side through thick and thin, now he's at a time where he's needing me most and because I'm pregnant, bi-polar, and off my meds, I'm not able to support him the way he needs me to and I feel like I've failed him as a partner.

At this point I'm not even sure if/how I will keep the baby. If I do not keep It, it will be put up for adoption. If I do decide to keep It, How?

I'm not even sure I want to live anymore either but I have to. At least for this baby!

Long story short: my SO of 7 years is having second thoughts on our first child and is also now suicidal. This combined with all the other drama going on that I didn't even mention above and my mental illness is making me have second thoughts on the pregnancy and my own life as well. I am debating adoption. At the moment you'll be glad to know suicide is not an option. Not until I know the baby will be safe and well taken care of. After that, I'll be checking my Arse into the psych ward because  suicide doesn't stop the pain, it just puts your pain on the people you loved most and that's not what I want. Ultimately what I want is for my SO, me, and our baby to live happily together as a family. But I have to be realistic now that might not happen.

I think I just need a little support, and perhaps a boost in confidence? Thanks extra in advance if you read the whole novel! If you didn't read the whole thing don't worry. I think I mostly just needed to get it all off my chest.