help! im in an affair!

I’ll make this as brief as possible:

Almost 6 months ago, I was heartbroken by this guy that I absolutely adored! I said that I was going to marry him one day and I honestly believed it.

Right after this happened, I met a man who was having trouble with his wife. We talked little bits here and there, I think we both needed a friend and someone to talk to.

Little by little, we would make eye contact and not look away. Like, longer than normal eye contact.

I admitted to my family that I had a crush on him but tried to brush it off. No big deal as I get very easily attached to people.

We had never said anything about our feelings but I felt like I could read it all in his eyes.

His wife came back for about a month and they tried counseling. While she was there, he completely shut me off. I didn’t matter anymore, which hurt me deeply so I figured I could finally let it go.

Then she left again and hasn’t been back.

Things have progressed a lot since then concerning our feelings.

2 and a half weeks ago, I told him that I really needed to talk to him and he said that he needed to talk to me too.

He gave me his number and told me to text or call him.

So I did.

And the truth came out.

He told me he loved me, how he thinks it’s God’s will that we met, that I was put in his life for a reason and the reason is us.

He said he wants to talk to my parents and he’ll do everything he can to make it right. (Which I assume means leave his wife even though he hasn’t said that straight out.)

I just can’t help but think maybe...maybe I was supposed to know him after he was divorced but we got ahead of ourselves.

Maybe we are “meant to be”.

All of my family, my friends, my boss, my pastor, tell me that he’s not for me.

I don’t know how to just let it go. After all the things we’ve said to each other.

I love him deeply and it’s awful but the fact that he’s married doesn’t bother me much anymore. It was on the rocks anyway so I don’t think he’d divorce her just because of me, they might have gotten one anyway.

I’m not trying to justify it but it’s so hard!

He makes me feel amazing, beautiful, confident and he’s the first man who has EVER loved me!

I am torn apart because deep down I want this to work but a little part of me feels like it never will.

He says he doesn’t want to be without me. 💔

We both want what is right and we really don’t want to hurt anybody!

I wrote him a letter telling him that we will never be right as long as he’s married.

We’ll see how he replies.

Sunday will be the first time in 3 weeks that I’ll see him since we told each other how we feel.

We’re both Christians which is why I’m so bothered. He asked if I was disturbed when it came to us because he isn’t. He isn’t because he truly, honestly believes that God put us together.

Also a little detail that has never bothered me ever (I have a fettish) is that I’m 18 and he’s almost 40.

I am hopeless. Tell me what to do!

Is this worth pursuing? Should we back away until he either works things out with his wife or eventually divorces her?

I am so broken...

Edit: I am battling this every day because I 100% know that adultery is wrong! I’d like to be able to say “everybody makes mistakes” and move on but I know that I am just a “f-ing idiot” “a cheater” and a “home wrecker” as some people below were happy to remind me of.

I do know that I serve a loving and merciful God and even though I have fallen away from Him, He is ready to help me, dust me off and get me back on track.

I do NOT believe (like the man in question does) that an affair is God’s will!

Honestly, I’m not a very strong Christian and I have a hard time knowing what God wants for me but my eyes are being opened that this torment is not what He wants.

I hope anyone else who comments can understand and realize that I am remorseful, I do detest the awful mess, I have no desire to hurt his family or mine and I am truly sorry to these communities because I’ve tainted their views of a Christian.

Not all Christians are like me💔

I need prayer. I don’t want people to sugar coat it and make me think that it’s all ok but I don’t need them to tell me what I already know, like what a scum bag I am.

Give me heartfelt advice. Give me bible verses.

And I am gonna say it: EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES! Sin is sin and sin is wrong, no matter how big (i.e. adultery, fornication, murder) or how small (little white lies, cheating on a test, gossiping)

It could happen to anybody!

So please, before you comment, think about that. Think of the advice that you would give me if you had just beaten this monster.

💔

p.s. there has been no intimate, physical contact. just so you know.