Honestly I don't even know where to begin with this and I hate myself for even posting it and I'm so sorry its going to be long but I've held this in for so long I really just need someone to hear it. I have kind of been with the same guy since grade 6, we had crushes on each other and I was so sure I loved him even then, we was young and didn't know much and we stayed that way for a while, we went out all through high school on and off as for the first two years of high school we was both still so shy and insecure and we talked more online than we did anything else, the last two years of high school we opened up more and became a real couple and we was so in love and happy. He broke up with me both years and left me completely and came back every time though, we had been together since grade 6 and only gone a few months here and there not being together, but we would still say we technically was always together because in our minds we really was, we have always been each other's and each other's only. We are now both in year 12 and together as we have been since last year but the past couple of months have been different, it's hard to explain and I hate to say it. We used to be so happy, hardly ever fought or got annoyed at each other, insulted each other etc, but the past couple of months we seem so bad for each other, everything he does seems to annoy me and I can't help but voice what I think which only insults him and makes him feel bad which makes me feel bad, I know it's so horrible to say but I find myself so embarrassed by him and hardly attracted to him lately. I make him feel bad about himself and he honestly has made me feel so horrible about myself and everything the past couple of months also, it feels as if he isn't the boyfriend he used to be, I feel ignored more than I feel loved or listened to. There seems to be more bad times than there is good but at the same time the idea of ever losing him breaks my heart and has an instant reaction of overwhelming sadness and emotions I can't even begin to explain. Any time we get close to breaking up I instantly think no how stupid could I be and become so emotional and like I love him more than anything in the whole world which I do, but then why do I feel like this? He's never really had much to say about me in any bad way and he refuses to admit and accept that we don't get along or that I make him feel bad and I honestly think he doesn't even see it because he loves me so much as I do him. I used to have similar feelings before but they never lasted this long, months, I have no idea what to do.

After saying all that though I feel as if I did to clarify that we are happy, we have good times and when it's good it's so incredibly great and I couldn't be happy, I do love him and there is no one else I could ever imagine being with, he is the only person who has ever accepted me for me and known 100% the real me, I am a hard person to get to open up, it takes me months if not years, but with him I am comfortably me and I am loved none the less. He makes me laugh when I want to cry and even when I'm angry at him I'm never completely angry, he makes it so hard to be. There is so much good, but this year I just feel as if the bad has taken over and I'm not sure if this or normal.

I could honestly go on forever. We have spent our whole lives thinking we would spend our whole lives together, loving each other and we both still do want that, but is it fair to stay with him when I'm feeling like this? Will it go away? Why do I feel like this? But I love him don't I? I have so many questions I feel will never get answered, I'm so sorry it's so long.