I don't know how to feel

So it's nearing the year mark since our miscarriage and only pregnancy to date... I had told DH that I didn't even want to try for a LO during September as that's when I got pregnant last time and had MC early October.... and wouldn't ya know it here i sit waiting on AF to get here CD 31 cycles range 28-32 days no s/s of AF and a negative hpt from 4 pm that I only held about 2 hours...

idk what my body is doing DH is trying to get me excited and I just can't esp with a negative test which is what I did last time I didn't have a BFP until I was over a week late... tracked nothing it was DH who noticed it was due and not here yet...

How am I supposed to get excited when all I can think about is last year and how I couldn't handle another one around the same time vs desperately wanting a baby vs horrific disappointment that the one test was negative...

anyone have any positive experience or words of wisdom for me? If I am pg again I do t think I'll relax till 16 weeks lol