So as many of you know my ex boyfriend broke up with me officially on August 21... and I've kind of been off glow, popping in every once in a while. Most of that is because I'm trying to figure shit out. I was really upset when my ex broke up with me, I mean we'd been together for 2 years and had been through a lot

But one night I talked to one of my friends and I said something and she was like "what the fuck kealey that's not normal."

And since that moment I've gone over events and shit and maybe my relationship wasn't as amazing as i thought it was? Idk if this needs it but here's a TRIGGER warning if anyone needs it.

I have an ex. Her name is Emma. We dated in grade 8 for like 2 weeks. He was at first okay with us being friends. Then he didn't want me to talk to her that much. So I said alright I'm going to try and let her go. And I asked to go over to his house and it started a fight. So I didn't go that day...

Then his ex girlfriend nyah started telling me to kill my self and taking pictures of me saying "gross". EMMA comforted me, EMMA was the one there for me. Cam (my ex in case any of you are wondering) REFUSED to be a part of it unless it was only him and I talking. But I needed my best friend to help with it too. Especially because he was at CTK.

and so instead I lied to him and went over to Emma's, stating I was going to work with my mom. Oh I forgot to tell you one tiny detail, he used to TRACK MY PHONE. So while I was on wifi he looked up my location. Now I shouldn't of lied, but after that he told me to either give up him or Emma. I got my punishment right?

I chose him.

I got really fucking lonely at school. Do you know what it's like to have absolutely NO friends because your BOYFRIEND made you give all of them up? It fucking sucks. I wasn't happy and I cried almost every night.

I tried to leave multiple times. And each time I asked if he'd be okay and each time he told me he wouldn't make it without me. Which kind of gave me the impression he'd kill himself. I don't remember him saying he would do that, but I feel like he did say that. So I stayed because I worried. I stayed because I just didn't want to be the reason he died.

He made me shut down my wattpad account, my instagram account and my snapchat. For a while I complied. But I don't think you understand how UNHAPPY I was. So like a god damn idiot I made a secret wattpad account on his computer and started writing, and followed Emma. And she said "I LOVE YOU" on my page and I said if back. Is that cheating? I didn't think so because I didn't love her in a romantic sense anymore. But he did. And he used the "you deserve it for what you did" excuse until well a couple months before he broke up with me?

So this time I really did stay away from my friends. Except now I wasn't allowed to go out by myself. Not even to the 7/11 across my street. I did once and forgot to tell him and he got mad at me for a long time. So I told him everywhere I went. EVERYWHERE. Or else he'd be mad at me. And him being angry was scary. He wasn't ever violent, well not at me. But I just have one image of him getting so angry he punched a building.

You know one time I went out to my friend Maddi's without him and he just said the words, "oh" "yeah" "cool" because he was upset. I could NOT go out without him without him throwing a fit. I asked HIM if I could go to a sleepover at Maddi's and guess what? He just said "oh". And basically made me feel bad for wanting to go.

I once went to a friends birthday and you know what? Cameron couldn't go. He was upset about me going without him.

I didn't really have a birthday party. Because all I could afford was a sleepover and he told me without directly telling me he didn't like that.

I at one point had to tell him WHENEVER I texted someone and he'd get pissed if I was texting someone else.

But I stuck with him because I couldn't fucking leave without worrying he'd kill himself.

He used to buy me earrings every month... sweet right? but you know why he did that? He did that so I wouldn't get anymore piercings because he didn't like them. He wasn't just controlling my social life, he was controlling my BODY. The earrings were an incentive not to get anymore piercings he disapproves of.

Towards the end of the relationship he stopped wearing my bracelet, he stopped taking me out with my friends. He couldn't give me the respect of telling me where he was going when he expected that. He couldn't take me places because it was a "waste of gas" yet he could drive out and pick up janesta (his new girlfriend) for ice cream... he started picking her over me... one day this summer I was like "let's go do something" and he said yeah, and then I looked on Snapchat (when we couldn't decide) to see he was with janesta. he apparently told the group I was busy when he knew damn well I was sitting at home all alone. I told him I was lonely. And he just expected me to sit there and try to text him all the fucking time. But I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I was losing him to janesta . I knew all of summer.

The weeks leading up to the breakup, cam used me for sex not once, not twice. But three times. I asked him about it and he said it was to "make the feelings (of unhappiness I guess) go away". He used me 2 weeks before he officially broke up with me. He held me and told me to not to cry, and then we did shit and then he left. He made me feel like he wasn't going to leave. But he did. I felt very used by him. I still do.

And he really fucked me up when on September 9 we had to sleep in the same bed (for the crossfit competition) and somehow he ended up holding me, his arms wrapped around me head on my chest. And I knew he liked janesta so I just tried to move and he just whispered "don't go babygirl". And then later he asked me to scratch his back and play with his hair.. while he texted janesta.

And after that a couple days later he started dating janesta

And I've never had a "real" relationship before that. I truly thought it was normal. And I feel really stupid knowing it's not now. And I didn't realize that it ever affected me until now. And it's just why I don't have the energy for glow anymore..

Because you guys are like the people who care about me quite a bit I thought I'd consult in you. I am seeing a therapist as well.

I think the thing messing with me a lot is I see him controlling his new girlfriend (Janesta). But i can't do anything and idon't know if it's right to spill the beans or something.

But yeah. That's kind of what's up