I’m so upset

I would really appreciate any advice/comments.

I started dating when I was 15, I’m now in my early 20’s. I went from someone who hit and raped me, to someone who cheated on me and was emotionally abusive as well as sexually manipulative, to someone I was very close with for a long time prior to dating telling me that no one will give me the time of day because of my mental health issues.

When looking back on these relationships, I could slowly see that I was getting better with what I deserve. I know that these relationships weren’t healthy, and they weren’t my fault. I think I know what I deserve now.

The person I’m with no is so incredible, I love him so much, but I don’t think I deserve him. It makes me so sad and I’ve been crying because I don’t know what to do. I know he loves me, and while I know I’m a great person and girlfriend, it just breaks my heart when I think about how great he is and what he deserves.

I’m also having trouble with expressing my feelings seriously. I’m very affectionate with him, I tell him in person and text him often how much he means to me and that I love him, but I don’t do it very seriously. For example “ur so gr8 I love u” or something.

I think this is because it’s almost like a power thing? I’m scared of this because it’s like he’ll have something over me, so he can do or say certain things to me and he’ll know I won’t leave because I love him.

I don’t really have questions, I just wanted to get this out and I just don’t know what to do. I’m so sad about it. I love him so much. 😔