I officially believe I am experiencing postpartum depression. Night time is the toughest for me not because my baby keeps me up (he actually has a really good routine). Its the time where I think about everything the most, I feel the most lonely, & I cry the most. There are a lot of family issues going on, my mom is battling a legal issue that can possibly turn out really bad. I am trying to exclusively pump for my baby and its a very hard thing to do! ( I applaud all you mommas doing it because it is not easy) I haven’t been able to maintain an every two hour schedule as recommended because either baby boy doesn’t want to be put down or I am napping with him. My fiancé is back at work so I don’t have much help during the day. Im so emotional I know I’ve been a bitch lately. Sometimes I just want more help from him! If he’s home and our son wakes up crying it’ll be nice for him to get him and calm him/feed him. An extra 30 minutes of me relaxing can help a lot. My little guy has to get hernia repair surgery soon and he’s being evaluated for an genetic disorder so we are at appointments a lot and he’s getting a lot of tests. It breaks my heart to see someone so little go through so much. I haven’t had much time to take care of myself so I feel so ugly. Im embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Im pretty sure my fiancé is going to leave or lose feelings for me. I feel like a failure, like I am the worse mom in the world. I mentioned to my mom that I am depressed and she brushed it off but she has her own troubles so I understand. I’ve told my fiancé and he try’s to help but his #1 question he always asks is “Why?” Its hard explaining why I feel the way I do because sometimes I don’t know why. I will be reaching out to my therapist Monday.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent...