Dear friends

Dear friends,

Sometimes you do things I just hate. I hated it when you judged a girl for identifying as bi because she’s “not old enough.” When you told me to erase the rainbow flag from a project about colors because “they’re going to kids.” Though, I bet you didn’t notice me bite my tongue and put the paper away. Whenever you say that you think people are not allow to identify as gay/bi/pan etc until they kiss or do something. I bet you didn’t notice me tense up and frown. When you said “oh I hate how obsessed she is with him. It’s so gay.” I bet you didn’t notice me flinch and pack my bags quicker to leave. I bet you didn’t see any of these little things I do. And I know you don’t mean to offend anyone. I know you can’t see why this hurts me because I try to hide the pain with sarcasm and jokes. But it still hurts deep inside. It hurts to know you might not accept me. And I’m probably over analyzing half of these events, but I’m scared. You don’t see how your words hurt me because I don’t show you. I thought you would never see. But I was wrong, so wrong. You did see. Well, it wasn’t you exactly, but someone I thought only cared about boys and makeup. The mutual friend that I hang out with simply because you liked her. She saw right through me. She saw the little hints I was trying to give. When I fake gag on instinct at boy talk. When I never say what I find attractive in a boy while everyone else is. How I gave only one detail about my crush in fear I would let it slide that the “karate boy” is actually a “karate girl.” Yes, she saw right through my facade, and you should’ve seen my face when she said “Hey uh, are you gay? And if you are, is Clare your type? Cause I was just wondering and I wanted to let you know that you can talk to me.” It felt so good to just know I have at least one person to talk to. I’m not ready to come out to others yet so I didn’t say yes to her question, but I think she and I both know what my answer really is. Now, I accept myself more than ever thanks to her and many, many YouTube videos. Thank you though, for showing me your perspective.

And even though we probably won’t speak anymore by this time next year, I want you to know that I hope the best for you. And oh god I don’t know how to end letters without it seeming like I’m leaving forever.

Sincerely,

Your closeted friend