Venting/depressed/giving up

Read this if you want. I just need to get this off my chest.

Today I'm depressed. Last night I cried myself to sleep. Two weeks ago I tried acupuncture and some Chinese herbal remedies for infertility. This was my last attempt at infertility because I've done the doctor. I've done pre-seed. I've done all the ovulation testing. I've quit coffee. I've been exercising. I've done prenatal vitamins. My husband and I have done the sperm check test. We've had sex everyday. We have done so much and we are almost at our two year mark of ttc and I have just had enough. This morning I woke up and threw out everything that had to do with baby.

When I tried the acupuncture I was sure my medical ins. Would cover it. The doctor called me last night and told me my ins. Only covers it if its pain related and the herbs are not covered. It would cost me $60 every two weeks which is money I don't have.

I started crying and ran to my husband for support. He said nothing to me and just held me while falling asleep. All he could say was let's go to bed. This was at 8pm. Ugh! All I wanted was him to give me some type of support and say everything would be ok even though we don't know if it will. I needed that lie said to me. So I stormed off mad and went to bed alone and cried till I fell asleep.

I'm just so done. Today I'm drinking coffee. Today I don't care if I don't eat. Today I don't care about anything. I'm done. The acupuncture was my last attempt and that was it for me. I have witnessed 5 pregnancy announcements of my group of friends and none of them were me. I feel so hopeless. I also feel like I'm not meant to be a mom. I don't do well with kids anyway, other people's kids annoy me. It's true. But I guess it's different with your own kids.

I still feel so sad here sitting at work trying to distract myself from all of it. Yesterday I was miserable, cramping, soar boobs, irritable. Took a pregnancy test and its was beyond negative. DONE!!!!!! I'm done.