My long not-so-lost love

Before we start, a quote:

"Too good at goodbyes"

-Sam smith.

So, a while back, I decided to try the dating section of one of my favorite apps at the time. Amino. I met someone really sweet on there and we became the best of friends. His name was damon.

Damon was a cute redhead who was around my age. We had so much in common. We had pun battles and always flirted with each other. He was the CUTEST kid too!

This is him as a kid.❤️

Of corse, I was cautious about him because it was an online thing- but I usually have the best instincts about people. For example, at school I ran into this kid. As soon as I saw him, I got shivers and had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Two weeks later he strangled another kid. The kid was fine- just shook up mostly... but I knew something was up with him.

The moment I saw damon for the first time there was this feeling in the pit of my stomach... it... it was different from anything I had ever felt in my life before.

It was like I had to be near him. I wanted to do nothing but watch him all day- seeing the way that his nose crinkled when he laughed, seeing his cute smile form at the silliest things, seeing the way that he would look at me with a shine in his beautiful brown eyes...

I told him all about my days and he would listen like I was the only one in the world. He had problems in his family just like me. We shared our problems and helped each other de-stress when things got bad.

I've never felt so strongly attached to a boy who wasn't a part of my family before.

Eventually, he asked me out. I said yes-... uh, sort of.

I've always had attachment issues because of my family issues. I grew up without a father, without friends, and I was always left by people. It was just me, my mom, and my dad's parents. They fought a lot though.

I didn't make friends until I was 13 and they all left me in the end. So my issues where bad as you could imagine. Like a rat gnawing on me in the back of my mind

I really liked dating him. It was long distance but I was happy. After two months of it, that damn rat had grown into a bear, clawing me up on the inside.

I was so terrified that I was falling in love- so terrified that he would leave me just like everyone else, that I let him go.

I cried for so long- never out loud my my internal cries came in the form of nightmares. We lost contact and it was like I was empty. A broken shell of who I once was.

I had broken my own heart.

We lost contact for so long... I slowly picked up the broken pieces of my heart off the floor- even though I would cut my fingers on the sharp reminders of him, and how I had lost him.

I always longed to talk to him again. So I gathered all my courage- and shot him a text.

He responded with small talk. We didn't chat for several months. Then one day I get a text from him.

The conversation continues pleasantly.

I remembered how easy it was to talk to him.i remembered that I never stoped loving him. I'm so scared it's too late for me. I'm petrified at the thought that he's moved on- and I'm terrified at the idea that he wouldn't feel the same or he wouldn't understand. Though I know he probably would understand.

I came right out today and asked him.

It felt weird. I'm hurting and scared. Because of his response.

I'm still in love with him! Please!!! Someone give me advice. I don't know what to do and it hurst so much that he might not be mine.

I'm begging....