This story is not a happy ending, but I gave birth and I’m not going to let my sons story go untold.

August 19, 2017 12:10 am

I was awoken to a pain, you know the ones, I started to time them then I started to get excited.

2:00 am

I woke my husband, the contractions were about ten minutes apart but not debilitatingly horrible I could still talk and function. We gather the bag called my mom and off we went. Got to the hospital about 15 minutes later, was settled in a room by 2:25. Nurse comes in, her name was Becky, starts banding me up and trying to find a heartbeat. Now my son had run from the heart finder before, so we weren’t worried. They called for one of the machines and they started looking....they called for the bigger one and an actual doctor.....

2:45 am

Do you ever just know when something goes wrong like you have that pit in your stomach that just eats you alive?

“I hate to tell you this but your son has no heartbeat.”

My world shattered, I was 37.5 weeks, not two days before he was there I heard him!

They started talking but it sounded like they were under water, I looked at my husband and lost it.

Then they started asking how we wanted to proceed. I chose to deliver vaginally.

6:04am

I got my first dose of cervadil, I was only 1cm I was sure it was going to take quite a while. During this time I made phone calls repeating over and over that I had lost my son. After all the phone calls were made I cried, and wished they were wrong, and cursed every god from every pantheon I had ever read about real or not, someone was going to hear me and listen to my wrath.

10:04am

Another dose of induction meds, by ten thirty I was in some serious pain, but I refuse medication, I deserved to suffer, I had learned over the course of the morning that my amniotic sack had somehow fractured, but not enough that it gave way completely or that I would notice the amount of leakage.

The pain was the worst I’d ever felt and this was not my first child. My sister who had come up to the hospital earlier, saw what I was doing and talked me into meds and they worked, for about an hour. Then and hour later I got another dose.

Noon:

I requested an epidural, I couldn’t hold off the pain any longer I was in agony, and even though I felt I deserved it, I realized I needed it. My hospital was apparently testing the generators or something that day cause my room kept experiencing power outages, and one happened right in the middle of this process. Now they can’t administer the meds without being able to monitor you, so here I am back arched, a needle in my back and growling, yes growling, at mostly everyone in the room.

Finally there was power and relief. I passed out.

3:25( I think)

I wake up to intense pain in my vaginal area, I ask my mom to ask the nurse to check my epidural machine, she comes in with a med student, lifts my leg to check my dilation and tells the med students to get the doctors NOW. Apparently my little boy was crowning and he wasn’t stopping. They got me positioned and I pushed.

3:44pm

My son was born sleeping. He was beautiful. 4lbs 13oz of pure adorableness.

I held him and named him Liam Tiberius Fullington.

They sent my placenta for testing turns out it didn’t develop the way it should and and was way small and partly deteriorated. But they say what took my son was an infection due to the fluid leaking and the fracture in the sack.

With this month being Infant/pregnancy loss and miscarriage awareness month I wanted to share my story.

My son was stillborn, but he was sill born.

He was here, and real and is very loved. His story deserves to be told. I am his mother. I am an angel mommy.

I hope this brings a little peace to someone, and if you want to talk I’m here I will listen, whether you lost a baby before you knew a gender or your baby was any age. I will listen and carry your baby in the world. Everyone’s angel deserves to be known.