I was hanging out with my girl friend and her boyfriends roommates, we were smoking a lot of pot and I ended up sitting on this guy "Tate's" lap, and kissing him, he was 5 years older than me and not really the kind of guys I'm normally into but it wasn't illegal and I was just too high to care. Everyone else had gone to bed already and I was in my pjs ready to sleep on the couch opposite to him when he had me come sit with him and where we started to kiss. He kept trying to put his hands up my pajama shorts and I kept trying to push them away but he was a lot stronger and more coherent than I was, so he won, he decided he would finger me(I hated to be fingered in all circumstances but It happened) it hurt, and I just wanted it to be over but without warning he had switched his fingers out for his dick he had grabbed my hips with one hand and my hair with the other and began to thrust me onto his dick, it happened so fast and wasn't long before it was over, he came inside me and then told me I should go clear it all out so I don't get pregnant I never even wanted to have sex with him but I got up and pretended like everything was okay, did as he said even laid next to him wide awake the rest of the night, when morning came and everyone was up I had become a conquest conquered in only 4hours I was made to sound like a like a slut, I waited to have sex till I was 17 years old and in love I didn't know it was possible to feel so low and not have anyone know, I never wanted to have sex with him I was never asked if I wanted to have sex. he took it upon himself to enter me with his penis without a condom without any warning and it is still my fault at the end of the day, the sex wasn't consensual but it wasn't rape, I didn't say the two lettered word that could have potentially fixed me, I didn't let him know that I could barely stay awake while kissing, I kissed him, I let him think I was okayo and I never said no. so what do you call it when you you willingly kissed the guy, you're too highto fight it any of it but. too dumb to speak the words no but still received what you never asked for its been over a year and I haven't been able to socialize normally since, I ended up back with an ex who mistreated me but I loved and felt safe with he didn't pressure sex he was really understanding and I ended up sleeping with him again after a couple months (he was also my first) I ended up pregnant as the result. and he ended up leaving me, now I'm 8months pregnant, heart broken, alone and unable to trust the male population its. actually been months since I've been called beautiful without being asked for something sexual its been almost a whole year since I've so much as made a male friend or hung out with them I feel worthless and alone and like I'm neved going to be enough mostly I feel ashamed and angry and hurt its been about a year and a half since Tate had done what he did but I still don't know how to be a normal human being anymore, I never told anyone but my baby's father how intercourse took place with Tate, I never told anyone how it shattered me how something I once took so seriously became nothing, I became nothing, I never did anything about it i lost my best friend bc I couldn't be too close to him without getting jumpy and panicky. all I have is this baby and I feel like I don't deserve her, like I'm going to set bad example bc of this

comment 1:

*I didn't keep on kissing him, I was falling asleep and trying to rest my head on his shoulder when he continued to kiss me, I tried to push his hands away but I'm a small girl not even reached 5 feet in height and he was over a foot taller than me and 100lbs heavier than me. I continuously tried to push his hands away, I know I should be said no I shouldve spoken the words no but I didn't just let him finger me I tried to keep his hands out of my pants I wasn't strong enough he won and I know 100% I should've done more to make it stop I can't explain to you why I didn't, I wasn't myself and I my judgement was not what it should be. I shared this not bc I want sympathy or for someone to tell me it was my fault he put himself inside me and and had sex with me, or that he let me be the joke of his household, I posted this bc I needed a place to say it, I needed some place I could say this without getting judged and told to suck it up. i just needed a place to let it out and not hold it in.*

Comment 2&3 :

*he didn't slip me anything, I just don't have much of a tolerance for any substance and I had gotten too high so I don't believe date rape applies*

Comment 4:

*just thank you for not trying to make me feel worse about it I still feel like it was my fault and I'm not sure that will change but thank you for not making me feel worse*

Its difficult to respond to every comment anonymously so I wanted to say thank you to everyone who had not cast stones in my direction when I'm already struggling to get back up, I know I didn't consent but I stopped fighting and I pretended like everything was fine afterwards, he himself was also intoxicated, I didn't find out till after the fact he had done coke and smoked that day before this happened, I don't know if this can be called rape because a week before this day I had gotten high(all we ever did was smoke) and i had given him oral in the back of my friends car, I willingly did that and so coupled with everything that happened a week later I don't think I can call this rape, I made a lot of poor decisions. I had hung around him several times after the fact of him having had sex with me without telling him I didn't want it, I even made the attempt to make it feel like it was okay on my part by saying yes to being his girlfriend, it was short lived, I broke it off bc I had anxiety attacks whenever he made a 1st move or was too close to me and when the anxiety turned to anger I knew I had to get out before I did something I'd regret but I still didn't tell him the reason instead I lied told him some bullshit excuse and tried to pretend like I was okay, I know that doesn't make it okay, and I know he didn't intentionally make me the joke of his household I know that he tried to tell me it wasn't me they were talking about so I didn't feel bad, and I know he had actually liked me, he wasn't a bad guy, and I don't call it rape just for the fact I did so much wrong I didn't speak up when he was taking advantage of my small size and my lack of ability to keep his hands away I just gave up, I didnt speak up after he had had sex with me I had gotten up did what he said to do, I went to the restroom tried to urinate. changed my clothes fixed my hair threw a smile on my face and layed back down next to him amd pretended to sleep while he did and I did all this without an a single utter of how I really felt instead of speaking up and telling anyone about what had gone down I said yes to being his girlfriend when he asked hoping it would make what happened feel okay, hoping that it would mean I didnt just become the girl who sleeps with a guy after 4hours of being alone with him and without any real feelings for him, I tried to have feelings for him for 3 weeks I tried to be his girlfriend only furthering the notion that it was okay and when I left I still kept silent and didn't let him know he had done anything wrong. I let him believe he had done something I wanted the second I gave up the second I pretended like it was okay the second I tried to make myself feel better by becoming his girlfriend the second I decided silence was a better option than telling anyone what happened because I didn't want to be

told it was my fault or that I'm a slut. I know for a fact I didn't consent to having sex, i know for a fact it was not what I wanted I know for a fact I made some type of effort to stop his advances but I also gave up and I pretended like it was okay for a very long time