I was having sex with my 1st love, no ccommitment because we were both not ready for that but the love was there and we knew it, they were transitioning from male to female but we didn't let it affect us, this was my best friend and I was strongly attracted to them no matter what gender they were I had always loved them and they had always loved me we saw something in each other we couldn't find in anyone else but then one of my other friends, boyfriends, best friend raped me, I was in denial of it for a long time and tried to make it okay so when my 1st love, my childhood friend my best friend went to be with intimate with me again I couldn't I shyed away and they got hurt they started swearing at me and making me feel like shit bc according to them I had turned them on they were so mean I ended up giving them head despite not having wanted to I felt like it was owed, after that I decided. make myself feel better about having been raped if try to make it so it wasn't rape by dating the guy who had raped me this pretty much ended the everything with my best friend bc they assumed it was me having a lack of attraction for them due to the transgender thing, I still didn't fully accept I had been raped so I never explained that to be what was wrong, I just felt hurt by how sick by everything I knew I didn't want to be sexual but I wanted them to stop swearing at me my eyes were filling with tears and they wouldn't drive me home so I gave them head and that made me feel like shit, no one knows who raped me, when I finally accepted that the guy before had raped me it was my fault and so everyone thinks I'm so screwed up bc they assumed it was my friend who raped me and I never stopped them from thinking it, I was too scared that no one would see what the guy had done to be rape and I knew what happened the night with my friend made me feel just as bad as being with the other guy so I never used names I never filled out reports I never told anyone who coulf help me get justice I just left things in the someone did to me and I'm hurting I just let my. friend be thevillain too and I'm a horrible person for it even if they have no idea about it