Our journey is over...

Well after a lot of heartache and soul searching our TTC journey is over. we have been actively trying for 2 years and unprotected sex for 4. One year with medical intervention (Clomid) which has really messed up my body these last 3 month's. We got "pregnant" once back in March and I started bleeding a week later. I know many have been trying for even longer but sadly I am 36 so time is not on my side. The risks are so high and getting the BFP just to lose it a week later is worse than not getting pregnant at all. I have only been pregnant twice in my life. First time was at 19 and I miscarried 2 weeks later and needed a D&C; after about 3 my posi weeks of non-stop bleeding and pain. I am writing this because I am really struggling to give up my dream of being a mom. Adoption is out of the question for many reasons and IUI's and IVF is way too expensive. I was wondering if anyone else is in my position. as I am having a hard. time coping with this situation. I feel bad about lying to my husband and getting on birth control without him knowing but I figured after a few months of "trying" he will give up and realize what I already know... that its just not meant to be. He starts his commercial pilot career in December and so if we couldn't get pregnant before it definitely won't happen when he won't be home that often. Can't exactly call in sick to work because I am ovulating. He is just stubborn. I am not going to take anymore Clomid for November and I told him we would keep trying without it. I will start my birth control with my December cycle since its too late for November. Clomid was our last affordable option and since I have been on it for a year with only one "pregnancy" I feel like it is doing more harm than good. I am getting insane periods and shorter cycles. From a very negative (very, very faint line) Clearblue Advanced opk to a very positive in about 24 hours and then my period starts early. I didnt even get the in between flashing smiley this month. only used 2 sticks total. It's insane. I know women get pregnant later in life but the risks are too scary for me. All the health issues I can have and issues with the baby having choromosome disorders or being still born is too much for my heart to take. I hope to see a therapist and perhaps get back on Prozac. Does anyone else have any voping ideas on how to deal with the loss of what might have been? We already have pets. I am open to suggestions.