Confused

I’ve been having sex with the same guy for about 3 years we’re both 16 he’s the only one I’ve ever had sex with. I’ve always wanted a relationship but he always “ manipulates “ me as my friends say to get what he wants (sex) & leaves me hanging & blocks me everywhere so I won’t contact him again , but I’ve stopped talking to him for a while but recently he had started calling me on private numbers because I had him blocked anyways we had started talking & he said he wanted to be with me & I believed it so I went ahead & went over to his house I had my mind set on that I didn’t want to have sex I even told him a day before on the phone he said okay. When I was over at his house everything just changed he forcefully got me on his bed & I really don’t know how many times I’ve said no I don’t want to do it but he went ahead with out caring what i said I tried getting him off but I just couldn’t. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t, I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I gave in bc I didn’t want to consider it as rape he fingered me & he forcefully made me give him head at that time I was numb after it was done it was quite he kept asking what’s wrong & I stayed quite & I busted crying never felt betrayed don’t know what to do I’m tired of drinking my problems away I’m tired of crying, smokingg, sneaking medication I’m really tired I can’t turn to no one I fucked up my whole life away I just don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this