A little back story:

During my entire childhood up until 19 years old I suffered from MDD (Major Depression Disorder) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder.) I was emotionally and on occasion physically abused by my father who was and still is an alcoholic. He'd run my self esteem down by telling me how I'd need to loose weight and get rid of my damn spots etc. It got to the point that I wouldn't leave my room other than to have a cigarette outside or use the bathroom. He would always be in the lounge or kitchen and I just couldn't bare being near him, as I was afraid. So all in all, I never ended up learning how to cook, I put on some weight as I'd just grab what I could and rush to my room which obviously, was always junk food. So here I am, 22, married, moved to a different country to be with my now husband, still battling my BPD (due to my father and I was raped twice, once by my teacher who took my virginity and stuck around for 2 years when I was 15 and a second by two people I thought were my friends.) I want to beable to cook! I want to beable to take all of my clothes off in front of him and not feel humiliated or ashamed with myself or the way I look. My self esteem and body image is truly the worst thing I have ever suffered from, and he is being so calm and caring and understanding. I am so blessed to have him. But I am just so scared it will end up ruining us if I don't start getting better. Along with this I have terrible social anxiety which really doesn't help when I need motivation constantly to get to the gym or do something and I just... can't. 😪

Anyone who has any idea on what I can do or good cook books I can get, or good home exercise videos/cheap equipment I can get, or how I can keep motivation?! Would be greatly appreciated!

Please don't judge my situation, this is the first time I've come out about all of this and the first time I've asked for help. Thank you ✨