I have to say good bye.

My son that I gave birth to 6 days ago is being given to my step mom.

It's for the best I know this. I'm not capable to handle another kid at the moment. I'm too stressed and I'm all over the place. I'm not mentally stable ATM.

I do have a son and he's 1 years old. I do my very best to keep myself together for him but sadly I can't always be there 100%. I try my best to be the mom he deserves.

When I found out I was pregnant with #2 I stressed out and immediately blocked every emotion out and I didn't want to be a failure to both kids.

I asked my step mom and my father to adopt him when he was born.

We live in a big house together. My whole family does just so the boys will be closer and actually get to know each other instead of wondering who their brother was.

It seemed like a great idea. It seemed the best choice for both of them.

Now that I've given birth I just see myself getting attached to him.

My step mom has always wanted a kid and has tried for 7 years with my father to have a kid. Shes been emotionally unstable so when I asked her to adopt she was excited but she kept her emotions closed off because she didn't want me to change my mind mid way through the pregnancy.

Well I didn't change my mind. Until he was born.

I feel myself distancing myself from my husband because I can't tell anyone how much I'm breaking inside because I want him but deep down I know it's for the best that he stays with them.

I find myself lost and breaking down.. I'm losing myself..

I've felt more numb now than ever.

Every time I see her she's always carrying him and always loving on him and that's what I want to do but I'll get attached. I'll want him and I know if I do keep him I'll ruin his life. I'll ruin a childhood he could have had.

My husband has given his rights away. He just wants to focus on our 1 year old and I do too but it's so hard seeing him everyday knowing I gave birth to that but he can't call me mommy and I can't be there to hold him when he cries.

He's only 6 days old and it breaks my heart every time I see him.

I have kept my distance because I'll get attached and I'll lose myself fully.

I try not to be close to him or have contact with him. I try and keep a distance. Its just hard on me.

There's no one I can talk to about this because they will call me selfish because I do have second thoughts.

I can't even talk to my husband because he just tells me I shouldn't be like that. I have a kid I should focus on. That i see him everyday and that I should be happy he's around.

Which I am! But... it's hard...

I just needed to vent...

But it's time I say good bye to being his mom...

Edit: Yes I made the choice to lay in bed but I used protection. I couldn't get on birth control because when I had my first kid we think the epidural fucked up my arm. So my doctor didn't want to put me on birth control because it could have made it worse.

Edit AGAIN: My step mother was emotionally unstable because she's been wanting a kid for so long and has constantly gotten negative after negative. With her sister constantly saying she can have the baby she was pregnant with and then saying nevermind over and over again is painful. She can't have kids. So for her it is an emotional roller coaster. She wouldn't ever hurt anyone and she would love him to death. This is why I asked her to adopt. She would be able to care for him just as much as I would.

I'm saying good bye to being his mom. I'm saying good bye to those memories I won't be able to share with him like I did with my first kid.

It's hard for me because i do love him and I do want him but I know for the best he would be better off with them.

*** I've read the comments ***

I know moving out would be beneficial for us because it would be easier and yes seeing someone about what's going on would help. I know this but I have to think of my kid and his best interest. He wouldn't see his grandparents because I'd stay away until I could heal myself. It sounds wrong but me and my husband both agreed that my step mom and father would be the best parents to him.

I won't abandon my son who is only 1. Yes I may not be a great mom but I do my best for my son I have now. I would give everything up to make sure he has a great life. Which he has everything he needs. He has clothes, he is fed, he is a very happy boy.

The first time I got pregnant was when I had sex with my husband on his birthday. That was the very first time I ever had sex. So no I didn't use a condom. I also was afraid to use a condom because of what has happened to my friend. After I got pregnant I did talk to my mom and she was the person I went to.

So when I got pregnant the second time I was using a condom. Unfortunately I couldn't be on birth control because my doctor didn't want to risk further damaging me because we couldn't figure out what was wrong with my arm after I had my son.

Speaking I live with my step mom, my step father, mom, dad, husband, brother and my uncle. Yes my family isn't the usual type of family. We are the opposite of normal. Yet we work as a whole.

I knew it was going to be hard to give him to them. I won't hate my step mom. I am glad she is going to be the mom. It's just hard right now because of that connection I had with him at the hospital. It was nothing like my first pregnancy.

I gave my step mom a gift. Something she is not able to have her self. So no I wouldn't ask for him back. No I wouldn't take him from her because she has created a bond with him.

I know it's for the best. I know that having her take care of him is what is best for him.

I have talked to my mom about how I've been feeling and she said it's okay to feel that way. It's what makes me human and its what makes me have a heart.

I love him, I will always love him. I loved him enough to give him to two loving parents who would do their absolute best for him and be able to give him a childhood I couldn't give him now.

I will always be around and I'll always be here for him.

Me and my husband just weren't ready emotionally and physically for another kid so soon. We used protection but things do happen. I didn't know I was pregnant until i was 15 weeks. I also don't believe in abortion. So we knew the best thing for him was to give him to someone who would provide and give him a better life than we could.