Sorry in advance for this being so long, but I just feel really stuck and need to let this off my chest...

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months. We are both in the same degree program (filmmaking) and that’s how we met, in class. I’m a very shy, insecure person who deals with depression and anxiety like most people do; he doesn’t deal with any of this and therefore doesn’t understand (eventhough I’ve tried my best to explain it). He’s a pessimist who typically doesn’t give a shit about anything other than himself or his career (I figure this out about him about 3 months into the relationship). He’s always said remarks negatively about peoples actions when they are depressed or have anxiety, which makes me mad but I never say anything because I’ll end up not reciprocating my feelings correctly. And whenever I do he somehow ends up upset at me or gets too frustrated with me for taking so long to tell him what’s on my mind. Because of this I feel like I can never tell him anything eventhough he says I can talk to him about anything.

One time, he told me about his cousin that tried to kill herself and he had the audacity to be mad at her because people that try to kill themselves are “stupid attention-seeking losers” and him actually having a close family member try to do that was too much for him to handle. Almost like he was conflicted with himself. It was really upsetting for me to hear but I couldn’t tell him anything, instead I played the part of the comforting girlfriend.

Going back a bit to my depression, I’ve told him several times how to handle me when I’m depressed but everytime he never does anything to make me feel better and just leaves me to drown in my own negative thoughts. One time we were in class and it was clear that I was depressed he told me to simply “cheer up” and left to talk to continue with the class like nothing is wrong, which only made me feel worse and angry. Like, what the hell??? He clearly noticed something was wrong with me and that’s all he does? This was about a month ago and I still get upset over it and I don’t know how to bring this up with him.

He has a crude sense of humor. He makes fun of the disabled more so with physical disabilities; there’s been times he laughs at someone who is just walking past who clearly has a physical disability that makes him walk different that the rest... it honestly digusts me and makes me feel embarrassed to be with him at those times.

He seems to always belittle me. Saying I’m “retarded” in a joking manner that don’t seem to make me laugh at all, and questions everything I do and the way I think and live my life. When I got my tattoos he doesn’t seem to express any positive thing about them and says that it’s dumb. He carries this demeanor that the way he does things is superior and smarter. What hurts most of all, he doesn’t believe in my ability as a film student. I’ve acted in a good handful of short student films that everyone seems to give me positive feedback from but when it came to his film he didn’t want to cast me as an actress simply because he “didn’t want to deal with the anxiety” I get before every shoot and “make things difficult” for him...

Lately my depression has been at it’s worst and I can’t even confide in the one person who claims to really “care” for me and “love” me. I’ve told him that he doesn’t show that he cares or loves me and he said we would try to make things better and literally nothing has changed since then. He doesn’t text me for hours at a time (the most he’s gone without texting me was 12 hours, on his day off of school AND work). We don’t go on dates anymore or hang out as often, whenever we do he usually plays video games or watches YouTube videos or we just sit in silence without even looking at eachother or cuddling or anything. He doesn’t give me meaningful gifts to show that he thinks about me when I’m not with him. I’m 90% sure he forgets about me, because today he forgot we had class and I asked him to take me just this morning and still he forgot.

I’m gonna be moving to a different state in a couple months, and when I told him and expressed my worry about what that means for our relationship he said to make these months count because this was going to end anyway since he was going to be moving... no effort whatsoever to even try to stay together...

Lately I don’t even want to look at him because it instantly makes me sad and want to cry my eyes out because I don’t know how I’ve ended up in this doomed relationship or why I’ve stayed for this long...

I know in my heart that I deserve better, but I can’t let go simply because breaking up now means having to see him in all of my classes for the rest of the semester. When he dropped me off back home, I had cried on the way and he didn’t even notice. I’m starting to feel numb with all this lack of love and yet I can’t get away from it, eventhough I know it’s making me emotionally sick. I’ve been nothing but considerate of him and did my best to be a good girlfriend to him eventhough he doesn’t do the same for me. That’s just how I am.

I don’t care if some of you who read this call me stupid or whatever because there’s nothing you can say about me that he hasn’t said already.